recovery

i am so inspired by what i have learned from recovery that i really don't know where to begin. i sat down to write my paper for my empowerment project and fourteen pages came flooding out with hardly any effort. i had to stop because i already went four pages over the limit.

i didn't talk about a lot of things. sex, religion, refeeding, etc. i will continue to address those topics here. it is clear to me more than ever how an eating disorder dilutes every aspect of one's life, reducing it to yet another niche of self-hatred and unhappiness. to recover is to step outside of your head and learn how to love life again. i say this as someone who desperately wanted to die when i was sick. i prayed for death every day. i never thought i could change, but anyone can. you can revamp your entire life. you have that ability.

if you want me to address a particular topic or have questions, just say so. i'll reply happily and run with it.

an important lesson is this: self-hatred is an excuse. repeat that to yourself as many times as you need to until you know it by heart. it's a mask that covers up something that you are hiding. what is that?

my therapist once said: "it is much easier to hate yourself. because once you realize what a good person you are, and how much people have hurt you when you didn't deserve it... what do you do when you're left with that ache?"

in my situation, it was my mother who hurt me. it has been a hard, long road to come to believe that i have no control over her, that anything she does is not my fault. in this respect, we give ourselves more credit than we deserve. you can't hope to have a second's worth of influence on anybody. everybody is autonomous. the fact that your mom mistreats you or your significant other is depressed has nothing to do with you. don't take it personally. every person lives inside his or her own reality. every person has a mind with unique thoughts, opinions, imagination, and perceptions. if somebody mistreats you, that is because they are responding to their own personal issues, and it has nothing to do with you. you're only there because you're a convenient punching bag for whatever reason. if a friend is harshly criticizing you, it's not because their words are true, but because this friend does not have the maturity or patience to express their opinions in the respectful manner that you ought to be privy to. don't forget either that people are capable of completely lying about anything.

we just learned in my power class that the way to undo power is to re-frame. your perception is EVERYTHING. if you think you're a shitty person, and you think the world is a depressing place, then that is what you will see and feel whenever you walk out the door. that's what you will be looking for and what you will wish to find to back up your convictions. we choose what we see and what we think. this is why you are the master of your destiny. your life will unfold the way you let it.

to re-frame is to find an alternative explanation for the same set of facts. you take your view and try to understand it from another point of view. this is significant because when we see something, we tend to shut off other viewpoints. if you see yourself as fat and deserving of bulimia, you will not look for other viewpoints that challenge yours. you cling to your theory and block out everything else. this is the very essence of being powerless.

by communicating with other people, you are exposed to different viewpoints and realities, thus making you capable of changing who you are. it's a scary thing and many people try to avoid it because who wants to have their very reality challenged? it might sound scary, but what's scarier is to remain blind and let your self-hatred consume you because you are too scared to know anything else. that is fucking scary. your other option, to open your mind, may have its frightening moments, but keep your eye on the prize... through this journey, you will no longer be caged by self-hatred or your eating disorder. THAT is fucking worth it.

re-articulating lets us get out of a trap. it changes where we place responsibility. here was the example i brought up in class:

"my father left me because i'm a bad kid."
versus
"my father left me because he was a crappy dad and he had a lot of personal issues."

you are shifting the responsibility from you, a kid who has no responsibility, to your father, the adult in the equation, the one who committed a wrongdoing. by relanguaging what happened, you change your viewpoint... and most importantly, yourself.

there are three ways we can rethink power:

1.) de-mythologize

distinguish between physical force and power. this relates to our winner vs. loser metaphor which we need to rethink. i believe that what krippendorff (the author) is saying here is that we need to take the power emphasis off of the physical. now, i may be stretching his theory here, but it applies... think of how you view your body. you hold power over your body through b/ping, restricting, weight loss, what have you... therefore, you are the good/best/winner if you succeed, and the opposite if you don't. right?

this kind of thinking is shoddy and needs to be broken down. because restricting, purging, and losing weight are not acts of power. look at what those acts result in: heart attacks, decreased quality of life, depression, losing friends, getting hospitalized, etc. does that sound "powerful" to you? when you think of power, do you think of someone who's on the brink of death at remuda ranch because they are terrified to eat? no. your disorder is not ruled by power, but by FEAR. fear is the very opposite of power, and giving into it results in your destruction.

there is also no winner or loser when it comes to eating disorders because your body is not your enemy. your body is the reason you are here in the first place. just look at it. you're held together by a large, beautiful organ that contains this complex system of a nervous system, pumping blood, functioning organs, perfectly structured bones, and a mysterious brain, that all works together with hardly any effort on your part. you know what you mainly need to do to keep this system going? feed it. and if you're not doing that, you're killing your body, and you're losing your life. all your body needs is food and water and it does these miraculous jobs all day to keep you healthy and live, keep you capable of dancing, running, kissing a lover, typing on your keyboard, reading a favorite book, etc. tell me, why on earth would you look at such a gift as an enemy? to do that is to claim yourself as the enemy, and you know why you do that? because you are burdened by so much pain that self-hatred is the best way you can find to keep it all stuffed down so you don't have to deal with it. is it worth it, living life in denial, in fear that you will feel? what is so bad about feeling? feeling is really not that bad. i consider my eating disorder to be infinitely worse.

2.) desystematize

undo the system that puts power in its place. for us, that means the media, cosmetic industries, advertising agencies, fashion industries, clothing lines, diet pill companies, etc. it goes on and on. an easy way to desystematize these things in your own life is to refuse to be a part of them. i don't buy diet pills, i don't buy diet food, i don't buy stupid fashion magazines. you can write letters and launch campaigns against them, sure. but the most immediate gesture of power on your part is to reject them. reject what they stand for and hate them. don't feel envy when you see an emaciated actress; feel furious that her mental illness has become a side show spectacle for the american public. think long and hard about how the system - beauty's role in our culture - has affected you and contributed to the development and sustainment of your eating disorder. think critically when you see diet pill commercials instead of falling victim to them. these people don't know you, they just want your money... why give a flying fuck about what they say?

3.) de-abstract

break things down. if you're ruled by eating disordered thoughts, you are thinking in abstract terms. "i am fat, i deserve pain, i hate life." okay, well... why? and what can you do about it? rationality and logic are the #1 enemies of eating disorders. remember, your disease is a mental illness, and it has nothing to do with the truth and it doesn't care about your wellbeing. you have to break down your thoughts, replace them with ones that are honest and in your best interest, and live your life accordingly. re-frame everything from the bottom up if you need to. that is what i had to do. if you are stuck, get your feelings out, and have a friend de-abstract your thoughts... we can be blinded by emotions sometimes and unable to see what's real.

your disease is not your friend. would you rather trust a mental illness with a 20% mortality rate - or your doctor, friends, and family members? again, it's in your hands. you have the capacity to surround yourself with positive people and to only listen to those who love you and don't want to hurt you. an eating disorder is not one of these things. you're at the mercy of a killer when you're EDed, and need to transfer your loyalties to people who don't want you to die and who can help you find your way out of this mess. for this to be accomplished, you have to try to believe that you deserve it... deserve all of it- recovery, happiness, health, self-love, relationships, pursuit of your dreams, etc. no one can believe they should have these things with an ED bitch screaming in their head that they are fat and dumb. so FIGHT BACK. re-frame your thoughts about yourself. nourish your body so you can think straight. ditch the magazines and pro-ana communities and listen to people who actually make sense and want you to have a good life. as this process unfolds, you will feel so proud that you took your power back from your eating disorder, and will realize that all this work came from YOU. i could spout this philosophical shit night and day, but it won't make a wit of difference if you don't have that strength, will, and determination inside of you to make a profound change and to stand up for yourself. all of this is on you, and you have the power to make it happen.