i love this.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
my issue with jillian michaels
first off, let me say that i respect jillian. she's an intelligent, strong, and compassionate lady. but i have a bone or two to pick with her.
i can't quote her books directly because i sold them, but i will paraphrase from my memory.
she, like many other fitness gurus out there, are about extremism. there's no question that the biggest loser has unhealthy aspects. the winner of the first season restricted so much that he was peeing blood. helen looked incredibly drawn and wasted at the finale. someone said that the ranch reminded them of remuda ranch, because you are confined in your own little world and so much of it is about disciplining yourself around food.
i get that there's entertainment value... no one would watch it if these people were rehashing traumas with dr. drew and taking gentle walks every day.
two things bug me about her and the show:
1.) exercise is painful and awful
2.) your looks matter a great deal.
in one of her books, jillian said something about not caring less if someone had a six pack, which i thought was great. she then goes on to talk about how she's atrophied certain muscles in her torso and bulked up other ones to create the curves she wanted, which i thought was extreme. i am confused about the double messages. if you don't care about looks, why do you put so much effort and time into your body far beyond fitness goals? why does it matter what you look like when you're the one emphasizing how it's all about what's inside? where does superficiality come into play and why?
i was shocked when i read in one of her books that she used to starve herself for years. she ate strictly 1,200 calories a day, and gained and was baffled as to why (hm, i wonder!) and found out she had metabolic issues, and this drove her to learn everything about the metabolism from all the experts in the field, and write a book for everyone about how to revamp your entire diet so you can beat your metabolism and lose weight.
it just strikes me as really obsessive and disordered. she's made weight loss her life mission.
i understand it that someone who is overweight may be happier when they become healthier... but this is not what life is about. i don't think the answer is to stop eating processed foods and high fructose corn syrup. if people want to do that, that's their prerogative. but don't shove it down other people's throats. i do believe that a great deal of people don't cut out those foods for health reasons; they just do it for an excuse to lose weight.
i think jillian is gung-ho about health and that's great, but you don't have to be so extreme to be healthy. she is practically phobic about things like fast food and candy bars. they're not gonna fucking kill you, calm down. i'm betting that the people who gain the weight back after the biggest loser do it because they cannot keep up with such a limited diet, and they cannot find it in themselves to demonize food any longer.
this all relates to eating disorders so much. you cannot control your life through exercise, dieting, or your weight. you cannot move past an eating disorder unless you stop demonizing food and realize that it's not food that is the problem; it's what you're using it to cover up. i don't think you can be truly happy until you accept your body and stop trying to make it something that it's not.
i think a lot of people believe that there is an enemy they need to fight. that enemy is their weight, food, body, the elliptical.... ask yourself: what are you really fighting? will you find the answer to your problems on a bowflex machine? do you think that you are free?
to my mind, a perfect role model who happens to be a fitness guru would be into fitness because they are genuinely passionate about it, not because it keeps them and other people thin. this person would say that there are no good foods or bad foods; everything in moderation is fine. this person would not count calories or battle against their setpoint. this person would not make their clients exercise 5 hours a day. they would not make exercise a torturous activity. they'd make it fun and treat their clients with respect. life is too fucking short to be spending hours on the treadmill going nowhere.
in all seriousness, if you want a fitness guru, follow richard simmons. he certainly isn't going to make a big deal about what you look like. did you know he lost all his hair when he was anorexic? he has used hair plugs since and that's why his hair looks kind of funky. i read an interview with him once and he is so compassionate.
but i guess my point is that you don't NEED jillian or richard. their clients are not meant to be eating disordered. if you have an ED, exercise isn't a good idea. i couldn't exercise for the longest time when i was in early recovery... i had to start out with a ten minute walks, which later extended to twenty minutes. by the time i was cleared to weight lift, i jumped right in and ended up with about 3,234 injuries because my body was so fragile from my eating disorder.
now that i am recovered, i still need to negotiate my relationship with exercise. i don't like how our culture tells us that it's supposed to be a sadomasochistic activity. and you know what? i don't like it, so i don't have to follow that doctrine. i can create my own philosophy on exercise. mine is that it's fun and casual, and my behavior will follow. it is really easy to override the dominant cultural norms when you realize that you are the boss of your life, you are the captain of your own soul. make up your own philosophies and belief structures instead of following the status quo. you were given a brain that is tremendously creative and intelligent; use it to create the life that you want to live.
i can't quote her books directly because i sold them, but i will paraphrase from my memory.
she, like many other fitness gurus out there, are about extremism. there's no question that the biggest loser has unhealthy aspects. the winner of the first season restricted so much that he was peeing blood. helen looked incredibly drawn and wasted at the finale. someone said that the ranch reminded them of remuda ranch, because you are confined in your own little world and so much of it is about disciplining yourself around food.
i get that there's entertainment value... no one would watch it if these people were rehashing traumas with dr. drew and taking gentle walks every day.
two things bug me about her and the show:
1.) exercise is painful and awful
2.) your looks matter a great deal.
in one of her books, jillian said something about not caring less if someone had a six pack, which i thought was great. she then goes on to talk about how she's atrophied certain muscles in her torso and bulked up other ones to create the curves she wanted, which i thought was extreme. i am confused about the double messages. if you don't care about looks, why do you put so much effort and time into your body far beyond fitness goals? why does it matter what you look like when you're the one emphasizing how it's all about what's inside? where does superficiality come into play and why?
i was shocked when i read in one of her books that she used to starve herself for years. she ate strictly 1,200 calories a day, and gained and was baffled as to why (hm, i wonder!) and found out she had metabolic issues, and this drove her to learn everything about the metabolism from all the experts in the field, and write a book for everyone about how to revamp your entire diet so you can beat your metabolism and lose weight.
it just strikes me as really obsessive and disordered. she's made weight loss her life mission.
i understand it that someone who is overweight may be happier when they become healthier... but this is not what life is about. i don't think the answer is to stop eating processed foods and high fructose corn syrup. if people want to do that, that's their prerogative. but don't shove it down other people's throats. i do believe that a great deal of people don't cut out those foods for health reasons; they just do it for an excuse to lose weight.
i think jillian is gung-ho about health and that's great, but you don't have to be so extreme to be healthy. she is practically phobic about things like fast food and candy bars. they're not gonna fucking kill you, calm down. i'm betting that the people who gain the weight back after the biggest loser do it because they cannot keep up with such a limited diet, and they cannot find it in themselves to demonize food any longer.
this all relates to eating disorders so much. you cannot control your life through exercise, dieting, or your weight. you cannot move past an eating disorder unless you stop demonizing food and realize that it's not food that is the problem; it's what you're using it to cover up. i don't think you can be truly happy until you accept your body and stop trying to make it something that it's not.
i think a lot of people believe that there is an enemy they need to fight. that enemy is their weight, food, body, the elliptical.... ask yourself: what are you really fighting? will you find the answer to your problems on a bowflex machine? do you think that you are free?
to my mind, a perfect role model who happens to be a fitness guru would be into fitness because they are genuinely passionate about it, not because it keeps them and other people thin. this person would say that there are no good foods or bad foods; everything in moderation is fine. this person would not count calories or battle against their setpoint. this person would not make their clients exercise 5 hours a day. they would not make exercise a torturous activity. they'd make it fun and treat their clients with respect. life is too fucking short to be spending hours on the treadmill going nowhere.
in all seriousness, if you want a fitness guru, follow richard simmons. he certainly isn't going to make a big deal about what you look like. did you know he lost all his hair when he was anorexic? he has used hair plugs since and that's why his hair looks kind of funky. i read an interview with him once and he is so compassionate.
but i guess my point is that you don't NEED jillian or richard. their clients are not meant to be eating disordered. if you have an ED, exercise isn't a good idea. i couldn't exercise for the longest time when i was in early recovery... i had to start out with a ten minute walks, which later extended to twenty minutes. by the time i was cleared to weight lift, i jumped right in and ended up with about 3,234 injuries because my body was so fragile from my eating disorder.
now that i am recovered, i still need to negotiate my relationship with exercise. i don't like how our culture tells us that it's supposed to be a sadomasochistic activity. and you know what? i don't like it, so i don't have to follow that doctrine. i can create my own philosophy on exercise. mine is that it's fun and casual, and my behavior will follow. it is really easy to override the dominant cultural norms when you realize that you are the boss of your life, you are the captain of your own soul. make up your own philosophies and belief structures instead of following the status quo. you were given a brain that is tremendously creative and intelligent; use it to create the life that you want to live.
Friday, April 23, 2010
madness
i keep seeing this status on facebook: "Saw the craziest unibrow on a girl at the playground. her parents won't have to worry about teen pregnancy, so that's kinda nice."
you know people are fucked up when they're making fun of little girls.
a central focus on yesterday's presentation was how to stay sane in a world that is so insane about women's looks, about losing weight and dieting and hair removal and hair dying and makeup and yadda yadda. how do you maintain recovery when everyone else is seemingly disordered?
well... i can only share my experience. i am pissed off so much, i'd say every day. i am pissed when a diet commercial comes on, whenever someone in the media or in person comments about weight or calories or being fat. i am pissed when i'm just surfing the net and there are all these weight-loss ads. i'm pissed when i want to get my celebrity news but it's just all about bashing women for what they weigh, what they wear, and what they say. i get pissed every time i see these crazy messages from the world morphing into eating disorders, implanting themselves in the brains of lovely men and women who think they NEED to lose weight and that they are worth nothing if they're not beautiful.
i'm able to deal with and rise above ALL of this awful shit because i KNOW it's nutty. i don't accept it and i don't incorporate it into my life; i reject, reject, reject. i rail against all of it. and it's tiring and irritating but so is giving in and hating yourself. at least doing it my way, i retain my integrity and my health. i keep my body.
you can improve the state of affairs in your own little world. don't read certain magazines; hell, don't read any. don't watch mtv or e! television. don't watch or read anything that bothers you. don't let the people around you fat talk and body bash without hearing a complaint from you. you need to tell them to cut it out; if they respect you, they will. have healthy role models, preferably someone you know in real life, and not someone in the movies. connect more with people face to face. when you spend most of your time on the internet and watching tv, you can forget that that's not the real world, and not everything is about the media. there's a whole other world out there.
you can't get away from this superficiality crap. you will always have to react to it for the rest of your life. but you choose your reaction. you are in complete control of your actions. you can internalize it, believe it, and punish yourself; or you can use your voice and bitch about how this is all fubar and stupid and totally insane and overwhelming. many other people feel the same way- surround yourself with them. make your environment a safe place. love yourself enough that you can laugh at billboards with women that have legs thin enough to play pool with. i shouldn't say "women" because they aren't people, just fabrications. laugh at this shit. oh my god, someone is trying to sell you a diet pill again? fucking dickwad, preying on people's insecurities. he needs to eat a milky way and get a fucking life. you are hot shit and he'll never know it. his loss!
"i only know that i can change
everything else just stays the same."
- staind
you know people are fucked up when they're making fun of little girls.
a central focus on yesterday's presentation was how to stay sane in a world that is so insane about women's looks, about losing weight and dieting and hair removal and hair dying and makeup and yadda yadda. how do you maintain recovery when everyone else is seemingly disordered?
well... i can only share my experience. i am pissed off so much, i'd say every day. i am pissed when a diet commercial comes on, whenever someone in the media or in person comments about weight or calories or being fat. i am pissed when i'm just surfing the net and there are all these weight-loss ads. i'm pissed when i want to get my celebrity news but it's just all about bashing women for what they weigh, what they wear, and what they say. i get pissed every time i see these crazy messages from the world morphing into eating disorders, implanting themselves in the brains of lovely men and women who think they NEED to lose weight and that they are worth nothing if they're not beautiful.
i'm able to deal with and rise above ALL of this awful shit because i KNOW it's nutty. i don't accept it and i don't incorporate it into my life; i reject, reject, reject. i rail against all of it. and it's tiring and irritating but so is giving in and hating yourself. at least doing it my way, i retain my integrity and my health. i keep my body.
you can improve the state of affairs in your own little world. don't read certain magazines; hell, don't read any. don't watch mtv or e! television. don't watch or read anything that bothers you. don't let the people around you fat talk and body bash without hearing a complaint from you. you need to tell them to cut it out; if they respect you, they will. have healthy role models, preferably someone you know in real life, and not someone in the movies. connect more with people face to face. when you spend most of your time on the internet and watching tv, you can forget that that's not the real world, and not everything is about the media. there's a whole other world out there.
you can't get away from this superficiality crap. you will always have to react to it for the rest of your life. but you choose your reaction. you are in complete control of your actions. you can internalize it, believe it, and punish yourself; or you can use your voice and bitch about how this is all fubar and stupid and totally insane and overwhelming. many other people feel the same way- surround yourself with them. make your environment a safe place. love yourself enough that you can laugh at billboards with women that have legs thin enough to play pool with. i shouldn't say "women" because they aren't people, just fabrications. laugh at this shit. oh my god, someone is trying to sell you a diet pill again? fucking dickwad, preying on people's insecurities. he needs to eat a milky way and get a fucking life. you are hot shit and he'll never know it. his loss!
"i only know that i can change
everything else just stays the same."
- staind
photoshop
one example of how advertisements are ridiculously fake and phony:
http://jezebel.com/5523204/photoshop-solved-kimoras-ad-cribbed-from-vogue-cover
nobody you see in a magazine is real. they're digital creations from the ad, fashion, and cosmetic industries that make millions off of making everyone feel like they aren't measuring up to a beauty ideal that is completely false and unattainable. there is a special place in hell reserved for these pricks.
don't let them fool you, don't let them make you feel like you're not good enough, and don't let anyone make you believe that you aren't beautiful.
http://jezebel.com/5523204/photoshop-solved-kimoras-ad-cribbed-from-vogue-cover
nobody you see in a magazine is real. they're digital creations from the ad, fashion, and cosmetic industries that make millions off of making everyone feel like they aren't measuring up to a beauty ideal that is completely false and unattainable. there is a special place in hell reserved for these pricks.
don't let them fool you, don't let them make you feel like you're not good enough, and don't let anyone make you believe that you aren't beautiful.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
ED presentation
my mentor, an eating disorders specialist, (i'll call her "m") and i conducted a presentation at a UNH therapeutic rec class today. it went really well.
i was pretty nervous. we met with the professor who used to be a therapeutic rec counselor at the IP program my mentor used to lead. she led us to the classroom and there were only five people there and i was relieved... but as m. was setting up the laptop, more and more people came in til there was about thirty of them!
the professor introduced me as a UNH student heading to new orleans for graduate school who is recovered from anorexia nervosa. a bunch of people went "wow" when i said i was going to tulane, that was cool. m. went through a few powerpoint slides about eating disorders and talked about the basics, and then turned to me and said, "i'm gonna let you talk." my heart rate sped up. she told everyone i'd share my experiences and then handed the floor over to me. telling my story was way easier than i thought it would be. my sense of humor is so apparent now that i am recovered and i made people laugh a few times.
after that we answered questions for hours. we were there from 3:30 to about 5:40. we talked about everything. they were so engaged and really wanted to know more. we talked about the media, how to confront a friend, treatment methods, bmi, dieting, etc. etc. pretty much every topic about eating disorders.
the most depressing part of the discussion was when someone wanted to honestly know what m. thought about the following: is it easier for someone to succeed if they are pretty or smart? we discussed a bunch of studies that have been done that show that attractive people are looked upon favorably. people were kind of bummed out about it. i jumped in and said, "well, no one gives a crap about what their loved ones look like," and people laughed, and i went on to say that you can deal with this by being healthy yourself and surrounding yourself with healthy people.
someone asked if because i recovered so quickly (m. told them i am a rarity) that i worry my ED will come back. i said no because i feel like i have a solid foundation now and self-worth/self-love that i've never had before, and i'm a completely different person than i was when i was sick.
none of this made me upset or anything. it felt so good to educate them and talk about stuff that i discuss online all the time.
one girl who asked the most questions talked to me at the end and told me she wants to go to DC because she wants to live in a city, which i related to. she was so kind and kept thanking me for sharing my story and wished me the best.
the professor said i am a phenomenal public speaker... WTF. that's one of the best compliments ever because i'm better at writing than i am at talking and for her to say that is just so flattering and really makes me feel good.
i just can't believe how far i've come.
m. told me that meda pays about $50/hour for recovered people to share their stories with people... i am definitely going to look into this.
i'm so happy i did this. it's amazing to turn my experience into something so positive. i think they all really learned a lot.
i was pretty nervous. we met with the professor who used to be a therapeutic rec counselor at the IP program my mentor used to lead. she led us to the classroom and there were only five people there and i was relieved... but as m. was setting up the laptop, more and more people came in til there was about thirty of them!
the professor introduced me as a UNH student heading to new orleans for graduate school who is recovered from anorexia nervosa. a bunch of people went "wow" when i said i was going to tulane, that was cool. m. went through a few powerpoint slides about eating disorders and talked about the basics, and then turned to me and said, "i'm gonna let you talk." my heart rate sped up. she told everyone i'd share my experiences and then handed the floor over to me. telling my story was way easier than i thought it would be. my sense of humor is so apparent now that i am recovered and i made people laugh a few times.
after that we answered questions for hours. we were there from 3:30 to about 5:40. we talked about everything. they were so engaged and really wanted to know more. we talked about the media, how to confront a friend, treatment methods, bmi, dieting, etc. etc. pretty much every topic about eating disorders.
the most depressing part of the discussion was when someone wanted to honestly know what m. thought about the following: is it easier for someone to succeed if they are pretty or smart? we discussed a bunch of studies that have been done that show that attractive people are looked upon favorably. people were kind of bummed out about it. i jumped in and said, "well, no one gives a crap about what their loved ones look like," and people laughed, and i went on to say that you can deal with this by being healthy yourself and surrounding yourself with healthy people.
someone asked if because i recovered so quickly (m. told them i am a rarity) that i worry my ED will come back. i said no because i feel like i have a solid foundation now and self-worth/self-love that i've never had before, and i'm a completely different person than i was when i was sick.
none of this made me upset or anything. it felt so good to educate them and talk about stuff that i discuss online all the time.
one girl who asked the most questions talked to me at the end and told me she wants to go to DC because she wants to live in a city, which i related to. she was so kind and kept thanking me for sharing my story and wished me the best.
the professor said i am a phenomenal public speaker... WTF. that's one of the best compliments ever because i'm better at writing than i am at talking and for her to say that is just so flattering and really makes me feel good.
i just can't believe how far i've come.
m. told me that meda pays about $50/hour for recovered people to share their stories with people... i am definitely going to look into this.
i'm so happy i did this. it's amazing to turn my experience into something so positive. i think they all really learned a lot.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
how do i eat?! part ii
even though intuitive eating was praised up and down by my treatment team, i still didn't understand how it worked. i didn't trust my body and i didn't trust myself. i didn't understand how i could know what to eat to stay nourished and maintain my weight.
here's the deal: everyone has a setpoint range, which is a weight range that their body likes to settle in. this range is probably about five pounds, and it's probably at a normal bmi. there are a few people who are slightly underweight (supermodels don't naturally look like that- don't kid yourself) and some people who may settle in an overweight bmi.
this is okay because bmi isn't perfect. bmi was created by a 19th century statistician and mathematician by the name of adolphe quetelet. he was not a doctor. the index doesn't take into account things like setpoint, body frame, or muscle mass. unless you are at a weight that is too underweight or overweight for your health, you can trust that your body will decide which weight range is best for you. every person is an individual and can't be summed up by an index created by some random belgian.
but then there's the whole eating thing. how does it work that you can stay within a setpoint range if you're just eating whatever you want? don't you have to count calories? what if you eat more than you burn? how do you maintain?
it's easy. your body takes care of this for you, believe it or not.
your body doesn't want to lose or gain weight. it wants balance. and so if you're within your setpoint range, your body has no reason to go out of it as long as you treat it well. if you eat more calories than you need, your body will say, "hey, there's a surplus here. let's metabolize faster so we can knock off those calories." your body will, thus, increase its metabolism naturally. this is why you can feel really hot after you've eaten a heavy meal or have binged.
the opposite happens when you undereat. again, your body knows that your intake is a little off, and so it helps balance things out by slightly lowering its metabolism so you won't lose weight. if you are restricting, your metabolism can lower to such a degree that your BMR is around 500- that's how badly your body doesn't want to lose weight. this is an invaluable protective mechanism because your life would be prolonged if there was a famine or you were in a situation where there was no food. your body would work VERY hard to keep you alive. basically, when you're gaining or maintaining while engaged in eating disorder behaviors, your body is saying, "this sucks but i am not giving into this shit. i am not starving to death." bad ass.
this is why diets are so flawed. if you eat 1,200 calories day after day, your metabolism may slow to the degree that that becomes enough to maintain. one of many reasons diets are stupid and don't work- not only are you not nourishing yourself fully, you're just gonna get the smackdown from your metabolism anyway. you're fighting nature. and know what happens when you increase your calories? you inevitably will because you will be as hungry as a dinosaur. well, you're going to go straight back to your setpoint. and there, you can continue to eat what you want and you'll maintain.
some people claim that diets can raise your setpoint. now this is true, but it's temporary. like i mentioned earlier, many people in recovery gain to their setpoint plus 10%, and then settle back down to their setpoint within about 14 months or less. if they don't, they need to consider why their weight is higher now. we tend to weigh more as we age. for a while, i kept thinking that my setpoint was my underweight bmi from my teenage years- but i'm in my 20s! you're not supposed to weigh what you weighed as a teenager when you're an adult. don't give much thought to this though- it doesn't call for it. a healthy setpoint is nothing to cry or feel bad about. it's a good thing!
nourishing yourself becomes second nature. i had to learn how to obey my cravings during refeeding because i knew that my body was telling me what it needed. this is the same even if you are healthy. you will crave salad and cookies and milk- not to the extent that the cravings really bother you, but that you choose both good and fun foods intuitively and enjoy them. it's not really something you have to think about too much. i notice if i haven't had vegetables in a few days and try to have some, but that's about all the work i do with self-regulation. i would feel like shit if i ate candy bars all day, just as i would if i only ate fruit. that said, i do eat several candy bars a week. recently i ate waffles and syrup for dinner. i like kids' cereals like trix. i also eat fish and (begrudgingly) vegetables. it all balances out in the end. i can't fucking gain weight or lose weight, it's amazing.
i think learning about setpoint, metabolism, and nutrition is very important in recovery, because eating disorders cloud us with thoughts that are so irrational and untrue.
"god, i hate my body. i can't stop gaining weight."
you are ALIVE because of this survival mechanism! you will stop gaining weight if you EAT.
"but i'm worried i will keep gaining and gaining in recovery."
really? who does that? who gains weight uncontrollably? maybe people on certain medications or people who engage in binging. if you are eating healthily and you are in your setpoint range, you'll stay right there.
"my metabolism will be screwed up forever."
no. my dietitian talked to me about this. in his experience, everyone's metabolisms go back to normal. your body likes being healthy; work with it.
"i can't deal with the weight gain."
the more you feed that starved brain of yours, and the more you work on the issues behind your eating disorder, the less you will care about your weight. you can take weight gain at your pace, but honestly, it helps just to do it and get it out of the way. you are at a bad disadvantage if you are malnourished, and your ED will keep beating the crap out of you. becoming nourished isn't just gaining weight to appease people about your appearance, it's about repairing your body physically and getting your brain working again. we don't simply eat to gain, lose, or keep fat; there are organs, cells, muscles, and nerves that need to be preserved... most importantly, your BRAIN! how do you expect to think clearly if you're starving? does your car run on no gas? how do you expect to really concentrate in therapy when you're so hungry you'd kill someone for a twinkie bar? think about it.
i'm at a healthy weight and proud of it. i think health is hot. less than a year ago, i cried hysterically at the prospect of no longer being emaciated. wherever you are in your eating disorder, believe me: recovery is possible. do the work and the rewards will come.
here's the deal: everyone has a setpoint range, which is a weight range that their body likes to settle in. this range is probably about five pounds, and it's probably at a normal bmi. there are a few people who are slightly underweight (supermodels don't naturally look like that- don't kid yourself) and some people who may settle in an overweight bmi.
this is okay because bmi isn't perfect. bmi was created by a 19th century statistician and mathematician by the name of adolphe quetelet. he was not a doctor. the index doesn't take into account things like setpoint, body frame, or muscle mass. unless you are at a weight that is too underweight or overweight for your health, you can trust that your body will decide which weight range is best for you. every person is an individual and can't be summed up by an index created by some random belgian.
but then there's the whole eating thing. how does it work that you can stay within a setpoint range if you're just eating whatever you want? don't you have to count calories? what if you eat more than you burn? how do you maintain?
it's easy. your body takes care of this for you, believe it or not.
your body doesn't want to lose or gain weight. it wants balance. and so if you're within your setpoint range, your body has no reason to go out of it as long as you treat it well. if you eat more calories than you need, your body will say, "hey, there's a surplus here. let's metabolize faster so we can knock off those calories." your body will, thus, increase its metabolism naturally. this is why you can feel really hot after you've eaten a heavy meal or have binged.
the opposite happens when you undereat. again, your body knows that your intake is a little off, and so it helps balance things out by slightly lowering its metabolism so you won't lose weight. if you are restricting, your metabolism can lower to such a degree that your BMR is around 500- that's how badly your body doesn't want to lose weight. this is an invaluable protective mechanism because your life would be prolonged if there was a famine or you were in a situation where there was no food. your body would work VERY hard to keep you alive. basically, when you're gaining or maintaining while engaged in eating disorder behaviors, your body is saying, "this sucks but i am not giving into this shit. i am not starving to death." bad ass.
this is why diets are so flawed. if you eat 1,200 calories day after day, your metabolism may slow to the degree that that becomes enough to maintain. one of many reasons diets are stupid and don't work- not only are you not nourishing yourself fully, you're just gonna get the smackdown from your metabolism anyway. you're fighting nature. and know what happens when you increase your calories? you inevitably will because you will be as hungry as a dinosaur. well, you're going to go straight back to your setpoint. and there, you can continue to eat what you want and you'll maintain.
some people claim that diets can raise your setpoint. now this is true, but it's temporary. like i mentioned earlier, many people in recovery gain to their setpoint plus 10%, and then settle back down to their setpoint within about 14 months or less. if they don't, they need to consider why their weight is higher now. we tend to weigh more as we age. for a while, i kept thinking that my setpoint was my underweight bmi from my teenage years- but i'm in my 20s! you're not supposed to weigh what you weighed as a teenager when you're an adult. don't give much thought to this though- it doesn't call for it. a healthy setpoint is nothing to cry or feel bad about. it's a good thing!
nourishing yourself becomes second nature. i had to learn how to obey my cravings during refeeding because i knew that my body was telling me what it needed. this is the same even if you are healthy. you will crave salad and cookies and milk- not to the extent that the cravings really bother you, but that you choose both good and fun foods intuitively and enjoy them. it's not really something you have to think about too much. i notice if i haven't had vegetables in a few days and try to have some, but that's about all the work i do with self-regulation. i would feel like shit if i ate candy bars all day, just as i would if i only ate fruit. that said, i do eat several candy bars a week. recently i ate waffles and syrup for dinner. i like kids' cereals like trix. i also eat fish and (begrudgingly) vegetables. it all balances out in the end. i can't fucking gain weight or lose weight, it's amazing.
i think learning about setpoint, metabolism, and nutrition is very important in recovery, because eating disorders cloud us with thoughts that are so irrational and untrue.
"god, i hate my body. i can't stop gaining weight."
you are ALIVE because of this survival mechanism! you will stop gaining weight if you EAT.
"but i'm worried i will keep gaining and gaining in recovery."
really? who does that? who gains weight uncontrollably? maybe people on certain medications or people who engage in binging. if you are eating healthily and you are in your setpoint range, you'll stay right there.
"my metabolism will be screwed up forever."
no. my dietitian talked to me about this. in his experience, everyone's metabolisms go back to normal. your body likes being healthy; work with it.
"i can't deal with the weight gain."
the more you feed that starved brain of yours, and the more you work on the issues behind your eating disorder, the less you will care about your weight. you can take weight gain at your pace, but honestly, it helps just to do it and get it out of the way. you are at a bad disadvantage if you are malnourished, and your ED will keep beating the crap out of you. becoming nourished isn't just gaining weight to appease people about your appearance, it's about repairing your body physically and getting your brain working again. we don't simply eat to gain, lose, or keep fat; there are organs, cells, muscles, and nerves that need to be preserved... most importantly, your BRAIN! how do you expect to think clearly if you're starving? does your car run on no gas? how do you expect to really concentrate in therapy when you're so hungry you'd kill someone for a twinkie bar? think about it.
i'm at a healthy weight and proud of it. i think health is hot. less than a year ago, i cried hysterically at the prospect of no longer being emaciated. wherever you are in your eating disorder, believe me: recovery is possible. do the work and the rewards will come.
annoyance
i went downstairs and saw a new book on the counter.
my mom is reading, "crack the the fat loss code."
i wrote a sticky note and put it on the cover:
"idea: accept your body and focus on more important matters than what you look like."
my mom is reading, "crack the the fat loss code."
i wrote a sticky note and put it on the cover:
"idea: accept your body and focus on more important matters than what you look like."
Monday, April 19, 2010
why you need to eat
starvation causes eating disorders. eating disorders cause starvation in some cases.
eliminate starvation and you've knocked off half your problem.
it was discovered that eating disorder symptoms are in part caused by starvation after a study was conducted in world war ii with several male volunteers. their calories were cut in half, they dropped weight like nobody's business, and weird things started happening. the men were obsessed with drinking coffee and chewing gum, they binged and felt very guilty for it, they were depressed and anxious, they were withdrawn, they took a long time eating, they couldn't concentrate... one guy even mutilated himself to try to get out of the experiment.
the refeeding period was even worse. the men binged like crazy and felt extremely guilty for it. they were always ravenous. most of the men gained up to their setpoint plus 10% and then dropped down to their setpoints within about a year.
any of this sound familiar?
these were perfectly healthy men with no history of any eating disorder tendencies, and being starved provoked symptoms that would mimic marya on a bad day in "wasted." the minnesota starvation experiment emphasized that if the body is unhealthy, the brain is unhealthy. a large portion of your anxiety, depression, and odd behaviors are a direct result of malnutrition.
and don't think you have to be underweight to be malnourished. a 300 pound man can be malnourished. weight has nothing to do with it.
if you're sitting there going, "meh... i don't eat much but my weight is okay. i'm fine..." well, i both want to sympathize with you and shake you really hard, because i have been there and that is bullshit. you need to go on google and look up the nutritional requirements for humans; they are pretty extensive. you need quite a bit of vitamins and nutrients to keep your body functioning properly. restricting one little part can have long-lasting consequences.
for example, you need vitamin d to absorb calcium. if you are restricting any or both, then you are not feeding your bones, and they are crumbling to bits inside your skin.
if you are still resistant to the idea of needing nutrition because you are somehow different than all the other humans on the planet, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malnutrition have you looked at the consequences of malnutrition before? just lacking one vitamin can give you some really ugly health problems.
you don't need to get the food pyramid tattooed on your body to ensure you're eating right. meal plans are really excellent for re-learning how to feed yourself. just recognize that if you are eating, like, 500 calories a day, you're depriving your body of what it needs to live, and this is serious shit. you can't survive doing this. you WILL get sick. you may die. yes, i am trying to scare you... because this is scary. you've got a disease with a 20% mortality rate; any time is the right time to admit you've got a problem and need to do something about it.
eliminate starvation and you've knocked off half your problem.
it was discovered that eating disorder symptoms are in part caused by starvation after a study was conducted in world war ii with several male volunteers. their calories were cut in half, they dropped weight like nobody's business, and weird things started happening. the men were obsessed with drinking coffee and chewing gum, they binged and felt very guilty for it, they were depressed and anxious, they were withdrawn, they took a long time eating, they couldn't concentrate... one guy even mutilated himself to try to get out of the experiment.
the refeeding period was even worse. the men binged like crazy and felt extremely guilty for it. they were always ravenous. most of the men gained up to their setpoint plus 10% and then dropped down to their setpoints within about a year.
any of this sound familiar?
these were perfectly healthy men with no history of any eating disorder tendencies, and being starved provoked symptoms that would mimic marya on a bad day in "wasted." the minnesota starvation experiment emphasized that if the body is unhealthy, the brain is unhealthy. a large portion of your anxiety, depression, and odd behaviors are a direct result of malnutrition.
and don't think you have to be underweight to be malnourished. a 300 pound man can be malnourished. weight has nothing to do with it.
if you're sitting there going, "meh... i don't eat much but my weight is okay. i'm fine..." well, i both want to sympathize with you and shake you really hard, because i have been there and that is bullshit. you need to go on google and look up the nutritional requirements for humans; they are pretty extensive. you need quite a bit of vitamins and nutrients to keep your body functioning properly. restricting one little part can have long-lasting consequences.
for example, you need vitamin d to absorb calcium. if you are restricting any or both, then you are not feeding your bones, and they are crumbling to bits inside your skin.
if you are still resistant to the idea of needing nutrition because you are somehow different than all the other humans on the planet, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malnutrition have you looked at the consequences of malnutrition before? just lacking one vitamin can give you some really ugly health problems.
you don't need to get the food pyramid tattooed on your body to ensure you're eating right. meal plans are really excellent for re-learning how to feed yourself. just recognize that if you are eating, like, 500 calories a day, you're depriving your body of what it needs to live, and this is serious shit. you can't survive doing this. you WILL get sick. you may die. yes, i am trying to scare you... because this is scary. you've got a disease with a 20% mortality rate; any time is the right time to admit you've got a problem and need to do something about it.
how do i eat?!
it's pretty typical that a person who has suffered with an eating disorder loses touch with how to feed himself/herself. this can feel very frustrating and mind-boggling. what are normal portions? how many calories do i need? am i hungry or not?
think back to your childhood if this was pre-ED. you ate intuitively day in and day out. you didn't even think about it; you just reached for the food you wanted when you were hungry, ate, and this was somehow enough to maintain your weight and keep you healthy.
this concept was so bizarre to me in recovery. i sat in front of my dietitian and told him straight up, "i don't know how to eat dinner. what is dinner?"
he helped me by teaching me about exchanges. an exchange stands for a food portion. 1 fruit exchange is 1 apple. 1 starch is 1 slice of bread. 1 protein is 1 ounce of meat, etc.
i was given a meal plan made up of exchanges. i thought they were really stupid for a while and i continued to count calories. i was still a control freak about my food and i did very odd mathematical equations with my exchanges instead of keeping it simple. i mean, i dissected the shit out of exchanges, so i was counting them AND calories. typical anorexic.
i want you to know it is absolutely okay to hang on to calories as long as you need to. i still did it when i was weight restored and feeling better, but as enslaved as ever to my addiction to numbers. i counted EVERYTHING- calories in splenda, gum, cough drops, you name it. the thought of not counting inflicted me with dizzying anxiety.
that was my life for a while- i was in treatment and weight restored, but counting til the cows came home. i worried i could never let go of calories. intuitive eating was a concept completely foreign to me.
but then, gradually, i let go of them. i started eating approximately what the exchanges required, not exactly. i wouldn't count if i wanted another teaspoon of jam. just like my obsession with measuring, my obsession with counting began to lose its hold.
finally, i had a moment in school when i was getting lunch. "fuck counting," i thought. i was so sick of it. i was sick of being enslaved to numbers. i wanted to be free of them, and so i let go.
i'm confident that wherever you are in your recovery, you will have a similar experience. there comes a point when the rigidity of your eating disorder becomes a hindrance, rather than a safeguard. it's limiting, not comforting. and i think a few things have to happen for this to occur.
1.) weight restoration i'm sorry, but you won't get ANYWHERE unless you are at a healthy weight and you're nourished. you can't kid yourself otherwise. many symptoms of eating disorders are actually symptoms of starvation, and once you are no longer starved, you will feel better. your brain will work right. getting healthy takes a long time. i read somewhere that it takes two years for your nerves to recover. an eating disorder specialist once said that it takes seven years for your brain to go back to the way it was. malnutrition alone can take months to be fixed. you have to be patient. your body didn't get sick overnight, and it won't get well overnight. neither will the thoughts and urges that starvation is causing. your treatment is not conspiring to make you fat by emphasizing weight restoration; it's a partial cure.
2.) working on your issues what if you're physically healthy but the thoughts are louder than ever? well, food doesn't fix the fact that your ED is your beloved coping mechanism. you have to address the irrational thinking that drives your behavior. you have to come face to face with your deep self-loathing and challenge it and overcome it. write out your thought patterns and go over it line by line and fight it with logic and reason. your ED mindset becames a very engrained habit, but time is on your side if you continually work at overriding it.
it goes without saying that this is not simple and it's a little crude to sum it up in one paragraph. i could talk about this topic all day and i'll return to it later.
3.) changing your life excuse the dr. phil phrase. a lot of us have had some pretty crappy life experiences. it is unfair to expect yourself to make leaps and bounds in recovery if you are still living in the place and/or with the people that helped to fuel your eating disorder in the first place. not everyone can just move out of their house if they want to, but you can start working on your plans, and that's very empowering. are there assholes in your life? they can fuck off; you deserve better people. do you have EDed friends? you might have to distance yourself from them. you've got to put your recovery first and watch out for yourself 24/7.
if you are going to beat your eating disorder, you have to be your own friend and ally. i think of an ED as like a crazy bitch that lives in your brain and wants to kill you. well, strength in numbers, baby. if you're not dedicated to yourself, then it's her against no one because you are incapable of fighting back. but arm yourself with your loyalty and determination, and with the positive people around you, and that bitch doesn't stand a chance.
learning how to eat is hardly the central focus of recovery, but it is pretty spectacular when it occurs. once you stop refusing to cope with your issues by controlling your weight and your diet, your dependence on calories will fall away. think about that dependency really hard... is it working? does counting calories actually make your life better or fix your problems? is it even relevant to your problems? it's not; it's just a distraction. it's one that works well, but the catch is that it can kill you in the process of numbing you, and because of that, it's definitely not worth it.
there are other ways to lessen anxiety, depression, and self-loathing than using ED behaviors. you need to reach out and try new things, all the while thinking to yourself over and over that you're doing this because it is wrong that you are torturing yourself, and it is not productive, and it will kill you, and you don't want or deserve that, and you need to change. write this on your forehead if you need to; WHATEVER works! and hold on to calories if you need to. it's okay. you won't recover overnight. but you will recover if you stick it out and don't give up. the behaviors are a cover for the feelings and experiences underneath; address those and the behaviors will no longer be needed.
think back to your childhood if this was pre-ED. you ate intuitively day in and day out. you didn't even think about it; you just reached for the food you wanted when you were hungry, ate, and this was somehow enough to maintain your weight and keep you healthy.
this concept was so bizarre to me in recovery. i sat in front of my dietitian and told him straight up, "i don't know how to eat dinner. what is dinner?"
he helped me by teaching me about exchanges. an exchange stands for a food portion. 1 fruit exchange is 1 apple. 1 starch is 1 slice of bread. 1 protein is 1 ounce of meat, etc.
i was given a meal plan made up of exchanges. i thought they were really stupid for a while and i continued to count calories. i was still a control freak about my food and i did very odd mathematical equations with my exchanges instead of keeping it simple. i mean, i dissected the shit out of exchanges, so i was counting them AND calories. typical anorexic.
i want you to know it is absolutely okay to hang on to calories as long as you need to. i still did it when i was weight restored and feeling better, but as enslaved as ever to my addiction to numbers. i counted EVERYTHING- calories in splenda, gum, cough drops, you name it. the thought of not counting inflicted me with dizzying anxiety.
that was my life for a while- i was in treatment and weight restored, but counting til the cows came home. i worried i could never let go of calories. intuitive eating was a concept completely foreign to me.
but then, gradually, i let go of them. i started eating approximately what the exchanges required, not exactly. i wouldn't count if i wanted another teaspoon of jam. just like my obsession with measuring, my obsession with counting began to lose its hold.
finally, i had a moment in school when i was getting lunch. "fuck counting," i thought. i was so sick of it. i was sick of being enslaved to numbers. i wanted to be free of them, and so i let go.
i'm confident that wherever you are in your recovery, you will have a similar experience. there comes a point when the rigidity of your eating disorder becomes a hindrance, rather than a safeguard. it's limiting, not comforting. and i think a few things have to happen for this to occur.
1.) weight restoration i'm sorry, but you won't get ANYWHERE unless you are at a healthy weight and you're nourished. you can't kid yourself otherwise. many symptoms of eating disorders are actually symptoms of starvation, and once you are no longer starved, you will feel better. your brain will work right. getting healthy takes a long time. i read somewhere that it takes two years for your nerves to recover. an eating disorder specialist once said that it takes seven years for your brain to go back to the way it was. malnutrition alone can take months to be fixed. you have to be patient. your body didn't get sick overnight, and it won't get well overnight. neither will the thoughts and urges that starvation is causing. your treatment is not conspiring to make you fat by emphasizing weight restoration; it's a partial cure.
2.) working on your issues what if you're physically healthy but the thoughts are louder than ever? well, food doesn't fix the fact that your ED is your beloved coping mechanism. you have to address the irrational thinking that drives your behavior. you have to come face to face with your deep self-loathing and challenge it and overcome it. write out your thought patterns and go over it line by line and fight it with logic and reason. your ED mindset becames a very engrained habit, but time is on your side if you continually work at overriding it.
it goes without saying that this is not simple and it's a little crude to sum it up in one paragraph. i could talk about this topic all day and i'll return to it later.
3.) changing your life excuse the dr. phil phrase. a lot of us have had some pretty crappy life experiences. it is unfair to expect yourself to make leaps and bounds in recovery if you are still living in the place and/or with the people that helped to fuel your eating disorder in the first place. not everyone can just move out of their house if they want to, but you can start working on your plans, and that's very empowering. are there assholes in your life? they can fuck off; you deserve better people. do you have EDed friends? you might have to distance yourself from them. you've got to put your recovery first and watch out for yourself 24/7.
if you are going to beat your eating disorder, you have to be your own friend and ally. i think of an ED as like a crazy bitch that lives in your brain and wants to kill you. well, strength in numbers, baby. if you're not dedicated to yourself, then it's her against no one because you are incapable of fighting back. but arm yourself with your loyalty and determination, and with the positive people around you, and that bitch doesn't stand a chance.
learning how to eat is hardly the central focus of recovery, but it is pretty spectacular when it occurs. once you stop refusing to cope with your issues by controlling your weight and your diet, your dependence on calories will fall away. think about that dependency really hard... is it working? does counting calories actually make your life better or fix your problems? is it even relevant to your problems? it's not; it's just a distraction. it's one that works well, but the catch is that it can kill you in the process of numbing you, and because of that, it's definitely not worth it.
there are other ways to lessen anxiety, depression, and self-loathing than using ED behaviors. you need to reach out and try new things, all the while thinking to yourself over and over that you're doing this because it is wrong that you are torturing yourself, and it is not productive, and it will kill you, and you don't want or deserve that, and you need to change. write this on your forehead if you need to; WHATEVER works! and hold on to calories if you need to. it's okay. you won't recover overnight. but you will recover if you stick it out and don't give up. the behaviors are a cover for the feelings and experiences underneath; address those and the behaviors will no longer be needed.
her power
check out: http://www.herpower.org
a girl in recovery fights by against her eating disorder through the use of creative expression. she is always looking for artwork to put on the site, so you are welcome to contribute. definitely take a look- i think this is going to be big.
a girl in recovery fights by against her eating disorder through the use of creative expression. she is always looking for artwork to put on the site, so you are welcome to contribute. definitely take a look- i think this is going to be big.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
how do you deal with ED urges?
a friend asked people in a support group how they deal with ED urges. this is what works for them:
Have a cup of tea.
Take a walk in nature.
Enjoy a bubble bath.
Listen to music...
...especially listen to funny music like Stephen Lynch, Weird Al, Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, and the Arrogant Worms (I'll add the Dead Ale Wives, Dennis Leary's stand-up, and They Might Be Giants to that list).
PLAY ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK!!!
Listen to music on Pandora.com
Crank up Moodturn.com
Post on an ED online support community
Watch Cartoons!
Write, write a play, write anything :-)
Make arts and crafts.
Call a friend.
What you can do now:
Bookmark this page.
Make yourself an ED emergency kit. In a bag, place:
A mix CD to listen to.
Art supplies.
A print out of this page.
Friends you can call.
A collection of compliments you've gotten from people.
Reasons that you want to beat ED.
Have someone you care about write you a note, it can say anything, but I recommend: "You're not alone, pick up the phone, I love you." for starters.
The kit can help with the feeling of being overwhelmed by ED urges because you'll feel more prepared if they occur.
Feel free to repost this where it helps!!!
----
feel free to comment here and add your own suggestions! :)
Have a cup of tea.
Take a walk in nature.
Enjoy a bubble bath.
Listen to music...
...especially listen to funny music like Stephen Lynch, Weird Al, Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, and the Arrogant Worms (I'll add the Dead Ale Wives, Dennis Leary's stand-up, and They Might Be Giants to that list).
PLAY ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK!!!
Listen to music on Pandora.com
Crank up Moodturn.com
Post on an ED online support community
Watch Cartoons!
Write, write a play, write anything :-)
Make arts and crafts.
Call a friend.
What you can do now:
Bookmark this page.
Make yourself an ED emergency kit. In a bag, place:
A mix CD to listen to.
Art supplies.
A print out of this page.
Friends you can call.
A collection of compliments you've gotten from people.
Reasons that you want to beat ED.
Have someone you care about write you a note, it can say anything, but I recommend: "You're not alone, pick up the phone, I love you." for starters.
The kit can help with the feeling of being overwhelmed by ED urges because you'll feel more prepared if they occur.
Feel free to repost this where it helps!!!
----
feel free to comment here and add your own suggestions! :)
exercise: coping bank
so how does one not give into an eating disorder urge?
first off, let's look at what an urge is. my therapist gave me a sheet with a lovely diagram on it that i could not find duplicated on the internet, so i have drawn it in ms paint. (lol can you believe i used to be an award winning artist?) here:
we're at baseline when we're doing okay. we have no urges and nothing is triggering us at the moment.
but then along comes a nasty trigger. what this is varies depending on the person. maybe you got into a fight, you are stressed about school, you are having flashbacks, etc. from the trigger comes an urge. you are in a really uncomfortable mind space and you want some relief, which is understandable. how do you get rid of the awful feeling? how do you cope? well, lots of us use eating disorder behaviors, but then we learn that it is really hazardous to our mental and physical health, and that it's really not helping us with our problems. it's just allowing us to avoid them.
still, there's that icky urge to deal with. the great thing about an urge is that it is ALWAYS temporary. your urge is going to build until you have to make a choice: what you're going to do about it. regardless of what you choose, the urge will go away. it is simply a matter of time. how you spend that time is up to you: you can choose the ED or something else healthier. in the end, the effect doesn't matter because the urge will leave. it is very hard to resist ED urges at times, but you can do it. just trust that 1.) the urge will go away soon, 2.) you just need to pass the time until you feel better.
here are two ways to pass the time when you have an urge:
make a coping bank.
turn to your crisis survival kit.
1.) make a coping bank.
1a.) choose a container, either a disposable plastic ziploc container, tupperware container, or even a paper bag.
1b.) you may choose to decorate the outside of your container with affirmations or motivating pictures.
1c.) on small slips of paper, write as many activities as you can think of. try to get at least 100. you may use the handouts provided for ideas (e.g. call a friend, give myself a manicure, leave the house for a drive without money or credit cards.)
1d.) fold up the pieces of paper and place them in your container or "coping bank."
1e.)whenever you have an urge to act on an eating disordered behavior, reach in and grab 3 slips of paper. you must do two before engaging in the behavior.
- most people find that after completing the second activity that their urge has passed.
- if after completing the second activity the urge is still strong, you may either use your crisis survival kit or go ahead and act on it.
1f.) after you are finished, complete the questions on the urge surfing curve and keep track of your answers to be able to identify emerging patterns.
2.) turn to your crisis survival kit.
unfortunately i cannot find the paper with the instructions. basically, your kit will have motivational pictures and other things to ground you, emotionally and physically- it can contain things you hear, see, smell, feel, and taste. you may put in a CD, pictures of yourself as a child/healthy adult, a candle, a stress ball to squeeze, and something to taste, like mints.
what happens after the urge has gone?
well, it's a good idea to answer the urge surfing questions. they will really help you identify your triggers. even though we know our triggers sometimes, there are often people, places, emotions, etc. that trigger us subconsciously. if you answer these questions after your urges, you may notice some patterns that emerge to help you see what's going on that is distressing you.
urge surfing questions:
reflect over the past 24 hours and answer the following questions:
1.) has anything upsetting happened? if so, what? who was involved?
2.) who have i spent time with?
3.) what emotions did i experience? was there a predominant emotion?
4.) where have i spent my time?
5.) what kinds of thoughts occupied my mind?
6.) did i have any flashbacks or memories?
to sum up...
ED urges are temporary, and you can choose how you spend your time during an urge.
coping mechanisms like the ones i spoke of have shown to work as effectively as ED behaviors.
grounding yourself and distracting yourself in healthy ways will help an urge pass.
there may be things in your life triggering you that you don't know about.
first off, let's look at what an urge is. my therapist gave me a sheet with a lovely diagram on it that i could not find duplicated on the internet, so i have drawn it in ms paint. (lol can you believe i used to be an award winning artist?) here:
we're at baseline when we're doing okay. we have no urges and nothing is triggering us at the moment.
but then along comes a nasty trigger. what this is varies depending on the person. maybe you got into a fight, you are stressed about school, you are having flashbacks, etc. from the trigger comes an urge. you are in a really uncomfortable mind space and you want some relief, which is understandable. how do you get rid of the awful feeling? how do you cope? well, lots of us use eating disorder behaviors, but then we learn that it is really hazardous to our mental and physical health, and that it's really not helping us with our problems. it's just allowing us to avoid them.
still, there's that icky urge to deal with. the great thing about an urge is that it is ALWAYS temporary. your urge is going to build until you have to make a choice: what you're going to do about it. regardless of what you choose, the urge will go away. it is simply a matter of time. how you spend that time is up to you: you can choose the ED or something else healthier. in the end, the effect doesn't matter because the urge will leave. it is very hard to resist ED urges at times, but you can do it. just trust that 1.) the urge will go away soon, 2.) you just need to pass the time until you feel better.
here are two ways to pass the time when you have an urge:
make a coping bank.
turn to your crisis survival kit.
1.) make a coping bank.
1a.) choose a container, either a disposable plastic ziploc container, tupperware container, or even a paper bag.
1b.) you may choose to decorate the outside of your container with affirmations or motivating pictures.
1c.) on small slips of paper, write as many activities as you can think of. try to get at least 100. you may use the handouts provided for ideas (e.g. call a friend, give myself a manicure, leave the house for a drive without money or credit cards.)
1d.) fold up the pieces of paper and place them in your container or "coping bank."
1e.)whenever you have an urge to act on an eating disordered behavior, reach in and grab 3 slips of paper. you must do two before engaging in the behavior.
- most people find that after completing the second activity that their urge has passed.
- if after completing the second activity the urge is still strong, you may either use your crisis survival kit or go ahead and act on it.
1f.) after you are finished, complete the questions on the urge surfing curve and keep track of your answers to be able to identify emerging patterns.
2.) turn to your crisis survival kit.
unfortunately i cannot find the paper with the instructions. basically, your kit will have motivational pictures and other things to ground you, emotionally and physically- it can contain things you hear, see, smell, feel, and taste. you may put in a CD, pictures of yourself as a child/healthy adult, a candle, a stress ball to squeeze, and something to taste, like mints.
what happens after the urge has gone?
well, it's a good idea to answer the urge surfing questions. they will really help you identify your triggers. even though we know our triggers sometimes, there are often people, places, emotions, etc. that trigger us subconsciously. if you answer these questions after your urges, you may notice some patterns that emerge to help you see what's going on that is distressing you.
urge surfing questions:
reflect over the past 24 hours and answer the following questions:
1.) has anything upsetting happened? if so, what? who was involved?
2.) who have i spent time with?
3.) what emotions did i experience? was there a predominant emotion?
4.) where have i spent my time?
5.) what kinds of thoughts occupied my mind?
6.) did i have any flashbacks or memories?
to sum up...
ED urges are temporary, and you can choose how you spend your time during an urge.
coping mechanisms like the ones i spoke of have shown to work as effectively as ED behaviors.
grounding yourself and distracting yourself in healthy ways will help an urge pass.
there may be things in your life triggering you that you don't know about.
exercise: pros and cons
i think this exercise is really eye-opening.
make a list of the following:
pros and cons of staying sick
pros and cons of being in recovery
it doesn't take long to see which option is better.
make a list of the following:
pros and cons of staying sick
pros and cons of being in recovery
it doesn't take long to see which option is better.
what is normal eating?
Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should.
Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.
Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good.
Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.
Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.
Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.
Copyright © 2009 by Ellyn Satter.
Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.
Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good.
Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.
Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.
Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.
In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.
Copyright © 2009 by Ellyn Satter.
exercise: a coat of arms
a Coat of Arms
creating a symbol for your authentic self
words are not the only way to explore and connect more completely with your authentic self. some people find it more meaningful to create a symbol or series of symbols that help them with identify, explore and further develop who they really are deep within.
if you were to create a Coat of Arms to represent your authentic self, what images would you include? what colors best represent who you are? would you include things that represent your accomplishments, your hobbies, and other things you like to do? is there a saying or logo that you would include in the form of an inscription or a banner? notice what comes to mind.
draw a Coat of Arms for yourself on a sheet of paper and notice what emerges. feel free to add images cut out from newspapers, magazines, as well as objects from nature such as discarded feathers, bits of dried wood, or flowers. remember that the idea in creating a Coat of Arms is to learn more about your authentic self --- who you are underneath your eating disorder.
creating a symbol for your authentic self
words are not the only way to explore and connect more completely with your authentic self. some people find it more meaningful to create a symbol or series of symbols that help them with identify, explore and further develop who they really are deep within.
if you were to create a Coat of Arms to represent your authentic self, what images would you include? what colors best represent who you are? would you include things that represent your accomplishments, your hobbies, and other things you like to do? is there a saying or logo that you would include in the form of an inscription or a banner? notice what comes to mind.
draw a Coat of Arms for yourself on a sheet of paper and notice what emerges. feel free to add images cut out from newspapers, magazines, as well as objects from nature such as discarded feathers, bits of dried wood, or flowers. remember that the idea in creating a Coat of Arms is to learn more about your authentic self --- who you are underneath your eating disorder.
you are your own hero
a new element has been added to my project theme "eating disorder recovery" that i wasn't expecting.
my interest in this project has come full circle. in the beginning, i was excited about the thought of sharing all this knowledge i had about recovery and building self-esteem and accepting yourself and ending body-hatred. i was on fire with ideas. then, i don't know when, my enthusiasm withered. i just didn't find eating disorders so interesting anymore. i was so tired of thinking and hearing about them.
a couple of months passed and my interest picked up. i know it is because i have attained a safe distance from my own eating disorder past, and i am facing the reality of becoming a social worker very shortly. i've needed to ponder what area i will go in. clinical? medical? macro?
i'm not sure. although i am a compassionate person, eating disorders still annoy me. whenever i am in the mall and am walking by a clothing store, i want to throw the fucking mannequins out the window. who knows if i could stand to sit in a room with someone moaning about how fat they are.
while reflecting on this, i realize i have done things that have been made possible as a direct result of recovery. when you're sick, you can't stand up on your own two feet. you don't talk much; you use your body to speak for you. you are repressed and withdrawn. you are miserable.
i know what that's like, and the reality of my life today is so different. everything that's good right now is a manifestation of my recovery and my renewal as a human being.
and this is what my recovery has unfolded:
i got into grad school at TULANE, the harvard of the south, and am moving in four months! i am not scared to leave home, because i know in my heart that i will keep myself safe and will do well on my own.
i have a job as a census enumerator, and will make up to $3,000 to support moving to my new life in the south. i wouldn't be able to work if my mind and body weren't healthy.
i'm an asshole to people on the road sometimes when they're assholes to me. i used to think i didn't even deserve to take up space. if someone waited for me to pass, i wanted to apologize for my very existence. but today i see my self-worth and my strength. my horn is used whenever the situation calls for it, and i've given the finger once or twice when it's deserved. ;)
i speak up in my classes. i'm not afraid. i don't care what people think, and i deserve to be heard.
i eat whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want. dinner tonight was a peanut butter and fluff sandwich, followed by a dunkin donuts caramel swirl latte. was it delicious? hell yes.
i am taking control of my gerd, which has held me back for three years. i may even have surgery which could cure me forever. a few weeks ago, i had tubes put down my nose to get a diagnosis. these were tests i was terrified of and had avoided for years. i've put my foot down; i refuse to live in fear, and i deserve treatment.
i have so much pride and self-confidence these days. i am not ruled by the scale, by calories, or by fear. i feel like i've been let out of prison. i'm staying out for good.
most importantly: i've moved out of my mom's house, the breeding ground for my eating disorder.
you really can't underestimate your own power when you decide to be your friend, and not your enemy. your actions will carry you wherever you wish to go. and if you want to go down the path of self-love, you will become your own hero. you won't need an eating disorder. you won't need anyone else. having yourself is more than enough.
my interest in this project has come full circle. in the beginning, i was excited about the thought of sharing all this knowledge i had about recovery and building self-esteem and accepting yourself and ending body-hatred. i was on fire with ideas. then, i don't know when, my enthusiasm withered. i just didn't find eating disorders so interesting anymore. i was so tired of thinking and hearing about them.
a couple of months passed and my interest picked up. i know it is because i have attained a safe distance from my own eating disorder past, and i am facing the reality of becoming a social worker very shortly. i've needed to ponder what area i will go in. clinical? medical? macro?
i'm not sure. although i am a compassionate person, eating disorders still annoy me. whenever i am in the mall and am walking by a clothing store, i want to throw the fucking mannequins out the window. who knows if i could stand to sit in a room with someone moaning about how fat they are.
while reflecting on this, i realize i have done things that have been made possible as a direct result of recovery. when you're sick, you can't stand up on your own two feet. you don't talk much; you use your body to speak for you. you are repressed and withdrawn. you are miserable.
i know what that's like, and the reality of my life today is so different. everything that's good right now is a manifestation of my recovery and my renewal as a human being.
and this is what my recovery has unfolded:
i got into grad school at TULANE, the harvard of the south, and am moving in four months! i am not scared to leave home, because i know in my heart that i will keep myself safe and will do well on my own.
i have a job as a census enumerator, and will make up to $3,000 to support moving to my new life in the south. i wouldn't be able to work if my mind and body weren't healthy.
i'm an asshole to people on the road sometimes when they're assholes to me. i used to think i didn't even deserve to take up space. if someone waited for me to pass, i wanted to apologize for my very existence. but today i see my self-worth and my strength. my horn is used whenever the situation calls for it, and i've given the finger once or twice when it's deserved. ;)
i speak up in my classes. i'm not afraid. i don't care what people think, and i deserve to be heard.
i eat whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want. dinner tonight was a peanut butter and fluff sandwich, followed by a dunkin donuts caramel swirl latte. was it delicious? hell yes.
i am taking control of my gerd, which has held me back for three years. i may even have surgery which could cure me forever. a few weeks ago, i had tubes put down my nose to get a diagnosis. these were tests i was terrified of and had avoided for years. i've put my foot down; i refuse to live in fear, and i deserve treatment.
i have so much pride and self-confidence these days. i am not ruled by the scale, by calories, or by fear. i feel like i've been let out of prison. i'm staying out for good.
most importantly: i've moved out of my mom's house, the breeding ground for my eating disorder.
you really can't underestimate your own power when you decide to be your friend, and not your enemy. your actions will carry you wherever you wish to go. and if you want to go down the path of self-love, you will become your own hero. you won't need an eating disorder. you won't need anyone else. having yourself is more than enough.
your power
the floor was wet so i rolled up my pants while doing laundry. they went up mid-thigh and i was body-conscious. only appreciatively. i have white and pink SI scars on my left thigh; i look a little mauled. i haven't shaved my legs in weeks because i am lazy. i have stretch marks and spider veins. i don't mind these things because this is my body, and i cannot live without my body. i have hair because i am a mammal. i have stretch marks because my skin is an elastic organ that will adapt to my weight, even if i'm five hundred pounds. i don't know what the fuck spider veins are for, but they're kind of neat looking.
i used to hate my body to the extent that i believed i was subhuman. the gerd really escalated it. i had been fat for a long time, but this embarrassing health problem made it worse. the burping, bloating, gurgling, constipation- i fucking loathed myself. i hated my body for not working right. i hated my body for being what it is, for being so disgusting, for its farting and fat. somehow other people's bodies were okay- as if their farts smelled like flowers and they were incapable of being gross- but mine wasn't. mine was worse. and the fat really drove it home, because that was the grossest part. i fantasized about taking a scalpel and slicing off my stomach rolls. i thought i did not deserve a significant other because my body was too ugly for sex and for other people's eyes.
i had a kind of body shame that was stifling (but is there any other kind?) and i thought i could silence it by starving it all away. i punished myself ruthlessly for having normal bodily functions that drove me to intense self-hatred.
so i reflected on all this while walking around in my hairy, scarred, normal weight legs and felt really amazed by how much i have changed.
what made me hate myself? my eating disordered mother? the media? my genes?
in my class on power, we talked about how there is a status quo in our culture, and you are punished if you deviate from it. back in college, my professor said she was really into feminism and decided to stop shaving her legs. people came up to her and said the nastiest things, they called her gross and disgusting. she finally threw up her hands and said she couldn't take it anymore; the hatred coming at her was too much.
and that is just for legs. a lot of us feel attacked for our whole bodies.
we are learning about a lot of power theories, and one that keeps coming up is that power is something that is given to you. power is fluid; it doesn't belong to anyone. you can give power to the media, to politicians, to your parents through your actions and beliefs. you can take away their power at any given moment. power means something different to everyone- and that's what is so great about it. you can define your power.
you are the most important person in your life. you are held hostage in your body. you could be there for another 80 years. you are held hostage in your brain. you are not like anyone else who ever has or who ever will live; your DNA is a one-time thing on this earth. no one else will ever have your total life experience, knowledge, emotions, and dreams. and because you are going to be living this life for a while, why not make the best of it? why not enjoy it? reincarnation could be a farce; this may be your one shot.
we watched "the matrix" in class and applied foucault's theories. he says that truth and knowledge set you free. he says that the world is run by biopower, which means that your power is in your body, and the state wants to utilize your body for its labor so it can sustain itself. he says that we are all brainwashed by our culture. the matrix is biopower; neo refuses to let his body be leeched upon. he refuses to be brainwashed. we all remain brainwashed to some extent because we are confined to our subjective experiences and cultures, but you can think outside the box some.
for example, the media says that thin women are beautiful. this is a man-made construct. you could have just as easily been born into a world that thinks 150 pound women under 5' are ideal. what if short people were racist against tall people? what if women were the dominant sex? someone could make up the belief system that blondes are children of the devil. you can really run wild with this, and it goes to show how hilarious and stupid some of our cultural beliefs are. laughter is the best form of rejection.
i'm beginning to really see that a good sense of humor is crucial to surviving life, and that this world can be so retarded that it deserves to be laughed at very hard. i think everyone can define their own versions of power, but many people choose not to. they choose to disempower themselves, which is a shame. hating yourself is easy. hating yourself is a form of self-denial that is unproductive. it will not remove the assholes in your life. at best, it will make them feel guilty. at worst, they will not care. if you do any work within, it has to be from self-love or it will fail. you have to go outside yourself to fix yourself, or you'll only have yourself to rail at. and i don't know about you, but i am so over that shit. i don't hate myself anymore for being human because that wasn't the problem to begin with. the problem was that i had a painful life and needed someone to blame, so i blamed myself, and i needed to punish something, so i punished my body. it's a story that is repeated all the time, but it is such a sad waste and not many people seem to want to do anything about it.
i used to hate my body to the extent that i believed i was subhuman. the gerd really escalated it. i had been fat for a long time, but this embarrassing health problem made it worse. the burping, bloating, gurgling, constipation- i fucking loathed myself. i hated my body for not working right. i hated my body for being what it is, for being so disgusting, for its farting and fat. somehow other people's bodies were okay- as if their farts smelled like flowers and they were incapable of being gross- but mine wasn't. mine was worse. and the fat really drove it home, because that was the grossest part. i fantasized about taking a scalpel and slicing off my stomach rolls. i thought i did not deserve a significant other because my body was too ugly for sex and for other people's eyes.
i had a kind of body shame that was stifling (but is there any other kind?) and i thought i could silence it by starving it all away. i punished myself ruthlessly for having normal bodily functions that drove me to intense self-hatred.
so i reflected on all this while walking around in my hairy, scarred, normal weight legs and felt really amazed by how much i have changed.
what made me hate myself? my eating disordered mother? the media? my genes?
in my class on power, we talked about how there is a status quo in our culture, and you are punished if you deviate from it. back in college, my professor said she was really into feminism and decided to stop shaving her legs. people came up to her and said the nastiest things, they called her gross and disgusting. she finally threw up her hands and said she couldn't take it anymore; the hatred coming at her was too much.
and that is just for legs. a lot of us feel attacked for our whole bodies.
we are learning about a lot of power theories, and one that keeps coming up is that power is something that is given to you. power is fluid; it doesn't belong to anyone. you can give power to the media, to politicians, to your parents through your actions and beliefs. you can take away their power at any given moment. power means something different to everyone- and that's what is so great about it. you can define your power.
you are the most important person in your life. you are held hostage in your body. you could be there for another 80 years. you are held hostage in your brain. you are not like anyone else who ever has or who ever will live; your DNA is a one-time thing on this earth. no one else will ever have your total life experience, knowledge, emotions, and dreams. and because you are going to be living this life for a while, why not make the best of it? why not enjoy it? reincarnation could be a farce; this may be your one shot.
we watched "the matrix" in class and applied foucault's theories. he says that truth and knowledge set you free. he says that the world is run by biopower, which means that your power is in your body, and the state wants to utilize your body for its labor so it can sustain itself. he says that we are all brainwashed by our culture. the matrix is biopower; neo refuses to let his body be leeched upon. he refuses to be brainwashed. we all remain brainwashed to some extent because we are confined to our subjective experiences and cultures, but you can think outside the box some.
for example, the media says that thin women are beautiful. this is a man-made construct. you could have just as easily been born into a world that thinks 150 pound women under 5' are ideal. what if short people were racist against tall people? what if women were the dominant sex? someone could make up the belief system that blondes are children of the devil. you can really run wild with this, and it goes to show how hilarious and stupid some of our cultural beliefs are. laughter is the best form of rejection.
i'm beginning to really see that a good sense of humor is crucial to surviving life, and that this world can be so retarded that it deserves to be laughed at very hard. i think everyone can define their own versions of power, but many people choose not to. they choose to disempower themselves, which is a shame. hating yourself is easy. hating yourself is a form of self-denial that is unproductive. it will not remove the assholes in your life. at best, it will make them feel guilty. at worst, they will not care. if you do any work within, it has to be from self-love or it will fail. you have to go outside yourself to fix yourself, or you'll only have yourself to rail at. and i don't know about you, but i am so over that shit. i don't hate myself anymore for being human because that wasn't the problem to begin with. the problem was that i had a painful life and needed someone to blame, so i blamed myself, and i needed to punish something, so i punished my body. it's a story that is repeated all the time, but it is such a sad waste and not many people seem to want to do anything about it.
need a kick in the pants? read.
an online friend of mine who suffers with an eating disorder sent me an email she received from her sponsor. i absolutely love it; it's perfect. if i become a therapist, which is likely, i want to be like this woman. a mental illness with a 20% mortality rate is nothing that can be coddled and hugged out- one needs harshness, reality checks that may feel brutal at the time, but are greatly appreciated later.
i had a bunch of reality checks all piled on top of each other from my eating disorder. i incurred nerve damage, malnutrition, and refeeding syndrome. my mom told me i looked like i had cancer. i went to the dentist and found out i needed two cavities and two sealants. i met a woman off facebook whose life has been destroyed by her eating disorder. sitting face to face with her in starbucks, i listened for an hour while she chronicled horror after horror- becoming septic, losing all her teeth, only having one kidney, permanent low potassium, etc. she pretty much scared me into recovery. i didn't want to become her. she is 33 and has nothing to show for it except an eating disorder. i hate to say it, but chances are, she won't live much longer. and that's a tragic story that is happening all the time, everywhere, with this awful disease.
so, no, in my view, eating disorders need a zero tolerance policy. an eating disorder isn't a visitor you escort politely out of your home. it's an intruder that you beat the crap out of with a baseball bat and then shoot with a gun. harsh wording, right? well, the situation calls for it. that's why i love this sponsor's email. she's telling this girl to cut the bullshit and JUST DO IT. stop her symptoms, get out of denial, be true to recovery. only then can you reclaim your life and, hopefully, your health.
here's her email:
Have you talked to your therapist about how you keep managing to
act out, despite feeling so "done"? I mean... sounds like there's
some headmagic in there. What bullshit are you telling yourself at
those moments that lets you keep relapsing? You should figure that
out and counter it. And you might also consider getting a cheap tape
recorder from someone, or computer software that will let you record
yourself talking, so that you can explain to yourself why you need to
not do that.
Abstinence is step 0 my dear, and you keep going back. If you want to
move forward, you need a foundation of abstinence. It's like you
explained to me the other day, "Oh, I'm only purging every other day"
or whatever the frequency is, is just bullshit.
There's this moment, and you need to have it. And hey, lucky for you
it's a second step moment, so start getting into that headspace. The
moment is this:
When you're about to act out again, you need to realize what you're doing.
I mean, really realize. Realize how many, probably thousands at this
point, times you've sworn were the last, and how just days ago or just
hours ago you were on board with being "finished" and how here
you are again. And you need to feel the depth of the shame
of that powerlessness, and you need to feel terror at that insanity,
and you need to realize that you are doing the same thing over and
over and over and over and over and over and over, with more
consistency than a mother loves her child, with more loyalty than a
lover far from home, you are completely at the mercy of that insanity,
and you keep going back to it.
And at the same time, you need to know that you have a choice. And
you need to make that choice. And you need to sit on your hands and
clamp your mouth shut and let go. Whatever bullshit makes you think
that acting out is going to help--whatever you're running from or
masking, you just need to look at it. And you need to trust that it's
not that bad. And it's no worse than every other addict's great inner
fear. We're really pretty uncreative. I'm a terrible person and no
one will ever love me, everyone will leave me, and I'm inherently
broken and can never really be happy. That sort of crap. "I can't do
this." But you only ever need to do it once, right then, in that one
moment. And you've always got one more in you, I know it. Otherwise,
you wouldn't keep getting clean over and over. You just need to get
to the point where you don't have one more relapse in you. You need
to get to the point where you can't bear to keep perpetuating this
situation. You need to take responsibility for it.
And then reach out if you want. Do something to take care of yourself
if you need to. But those things are really just distractions. And
don't get me wrong, distractions will get you through the day. But
that doesn't matter because there will always be moments where you've
run out of distractions and it's just you and that gaping hole.
I don't know what to tell you S. You've got to be willing to make
that choice, whenever you have the opportunity to do so. Acting out
has to no longer be an option. You have to move forward.
Let me know when you've finished your first step. We can't move
forward if you're not clean. There should be something in there about
understanding that you're powerless, and that your life is
unmanageable. And there's the baseline membership requirement: desire
to stop using. Between the two, you should have no excuse to act out.
Every time you act out, you're denying one of them. Either you're
deciding to fuck off recovery (desire to stop using), or you're
telling yourself that you can get away with it (powerless and
unmanageable). And you've worked 2 and 3 before, so you know what
comes next. Hope and faith. First you need willingness. And
willingness is what should get you through that moment I talked about.
It's what should help you make that choice.
By the way, since you're relapsing, I bet you're also lying. Is this
the case? Don't write me back a long explanation. Don't vent your
feelings and insecurities at me, I've heard them all before. But if
you have anything new you'd like to tell me, you can tell me in a
bulleted list. No full sentences allowed, nothing longer than one
line per bullet. And if you've lied about anything, I'd include it.
Omission counts as lying, as I hope you know.
Anyway. Hope this can be your last relapse. Isn't it getting boring
yet? Cause I sure think it is. I'm running out of creative ways to
say the same thing over and over. Soon I'm going to tape myself and
give it to you, and you can just use that until you get it, and then
when you have a few months clean, we can try some new lessons.
-K
i had a bunch of reality checks all piled on top of each other from my eating disorder. i incurred nerve damage, malnutrition, and refeeding syndrome. my mom told me i looked like i had cancer. i went to the dentist and found out i needed two cavities and two sealants. i met a woman off facebook whose life has been destroyed by her eating disorder. sitting face to face with her in starbucks, i listened for an hour while she chronicled horror after horror- becoming septic, losing all her teeth, only having one kidney, permanent low potassium, etc. she pretty much scared me into recovery. i didn't want to become her. she is 33 and has nothing to show for it except an eating disorder. i hate to say it, but chances are, she won't live much longer. and that's a tragic story that is happening all the time, everywhere, with this awful disease.
so, no, in my view, eating disorders need a zero tolerance policy. an eating disorder isn't a visitor you escort politely out of your home. it's an intruder that you beat the crap out of with a baseball bat and then shoot with a gun. harsh wording, right? well, the situation calls for it. that's why i love this sponsor's email. she's telling this girl to cut the bullshit and JUST DO IT. stop her symptoms, get out of denial, be true to recovery. only then can you reclaim your life and, hopefully, your health.
here's her email:
Have you talked to your therapist about how you keep managing to
act out, despite feeling so "done"? I mean... sounds like there's
some headmagic in there. What bullshit are you telling yourself at
those moments that lets you keep relapsing? You should figure that
out and counter it. And you might also consider getting a cheap tape
recorder from someone, or computer software that will let you record
yourself talking, so that you can explain to yourself why you need to
not do that.
Abstinence is step 0 my dear, and you keep going back. If you want to
move forward, you need a foundation of abstinence. It's like you
explained to me the other day, "Oh, I'm only purging every other day"
or whatever the frequency is, is just bullshit.
There's this moment, and you need to have it. And hey, lucky for you
it's a second step moment, so start getting into that headspace. The
moment is this:
When you're about to act out again, you need to realize what you're doing.
I mean, really realize. Realize how many, probably thousands at this
point, times you've sworn were the last, and how just days ago or just
hours ago you were on board with being "finished" and how here
you are again. And you need to feel the depth of the shame
of that powerlessness, and you need to feel terror at that insanity,
and you need to realize that you are doing the same thing over and
over and over and over and over and over and over, with more
consistency than a mother loves her child, with more loyalty than a
lover far from home, you are completely at the mercy of that insanity,
and you keep going back to it.
And at the same time, you need to know that you have a choice. And
you need to make that choice. And you need to sit on your hands and
clamp your mouth shut and let go. Whatever bullshit makes you think
that acting out is going to help--whatever you're running from or
masking, you just need to look at it. And you need to trust that it's
not that bad. And it's no worse than every other addict's great inner
fear. We're really pretty uncreative. I'm a terrible person and no
one will ever love me, everyone will leave me, and I'm inherently
broken and can never really be happy. That sort of crap. "I can't do
this." But you only ever need to do it once, right then, in that one
moment. And you've always got one more in you, I know it. Otherwise,
you wouldn't keep getting clean over and over. You just need to get
to the point where you don't have one more relapse in you. You need
to get to the point where you can't bear to keep perpetuating this
situation. You need to take responsibility for it.
And then reach out if you want. Do something to take care of yourself
if you need to. But those things are really just distractions. And
don't get me wrong, distractions will get you through the day. But
that doesn't matter because there will always be moments where you've
run out of distractions and it's just you and that gaping hole.
I don't know what to tell you S. You've got to be willing to make
that choice, whenever you have the opportunity to do so. Acting out
has to no longer be an option. You have to move forward.
Let me know when you've finished your first step. We can't move
forward if you're not clean. There should be something in there about
understanding that you're powerless, and that your life is
unmanageable. And there's the baseline membership requirement: desire
to stop using. Between the two, you should have no excuse to act out.
Every time you act out, you're denying one of them. Either you're
deciding to fuck off recovery (desire to stop using), or you're
telling yourself that you can get away with it (powerless and
unmanageable). And you've worked 2 and 3 before, so you know what
comes next. Hope and faith. First you need willingness. And
willingness is what should get you through that moment I talked about.
It's what should help you make that choice.
By the way, since you're relapsing, I bet you're also lying. Is this
the case? Don't write me back a long explanation. Don't vent your
feelings and insecurities at me, I've heard them all before. But if
you have anything new you'd like to tell me, you can tell me in a
bulleted list. No full sentences allowed, nothing longer than one
line per bullet. And if you've lied about anything, I'd include it.
Omission counts as lying, as I hope you know.
Anyway. Hope this can be your last relapse. Isn't it getting boring
yet? Cause I sure think it is. I'm running out of creative ways to
say the same thing over and over. Soon I'm going to tape myself and
give it to you, and you can just use that until you get it, and then
when you have a few months clean, we can try some new lessons.
-K
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