a bitch about "skinny bitch"

when people say they like the book, "skinny bitch," i want to scream. or better yet, i want to take that book and make pretty confetti.

my mom bought me a copy a few years ago. you open it up and the inside cover says:

Skinny Bitch
A no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous!

there is so much that is disordered and wrong about this book's philosophy, it's not even funny. the introduction says it provides a way to "feel healthy, clean, energized and pure." wow, i am so interested to know what foods are dirty and fatigued. the authors go on to demand that you use your head; "healthy = skinny. unhealthy = fat." obviously a few college students skipped out on nutrition 101 in college, if they even went to college. they go on to call overweight people "fat pigs" and to talk in this brash, vulgar tone that's meant to be cool. they're elitist after all, you know, because they're skinny.

coffee is the devil and anyone who drinks it is a pussy and a slob. i am only on page 20, and just read, "you need to exercise, you lazy shit." wtf??

wait a minute. coffee isn't the devil after all; sugar is, according to the chapter entitled so. you shouldn't have meat or dairy or eggs. you are fat if you don't follow this diet and exercise and lifestyle program because it is written by... models who are experts on thinness. what an accomplishment.

it's great when people want to take charge of their health and eat well, but i am SO over demonizing food. maybe it's because i am recovered and i can't stand to damage a relationship- me and food- that i have finally come to peace with. i eat and drink all sorts of crap according to these skinny bitches. i have coffee every day, i eat processed cereals, meat, several glasses of milk a day, i have a couple of hershey bars a week, i love milky ways, etc. like my dietitian once told me, there are no good foods and bad foods. each one is an energy source; every food has a purpose. if you want to exclude certain foods or food groups for health reasons, that's your prerogative. but don't shove it down other people's throats.

in my mind, "skinny bitch" is just a glorified disordered eating manual. it's a great jumpstart for eating disorders, too. just take someone with the right genes and put them on a diet and you can have a severely sick eating disordered individual a few months later. it happens all the time. and this is why i am so terrified of diets; i am scared for other people. diets easily trigger people into eating disorders, and they often mimic eating disorders themselves. unless there is a medical purpose to it, diets are useless and they don't work. all you will succeed in doing is malnourishing your body. every girl who is fasting so she can fit into her bikini for spring break is compromising all the systems in her body for superficiality, and that is fucking scary. when does our health matter less than our looks? this is obviously true for many people because everyone and their mother is on a diet. and it's a really slippery road that can so quickly turn into something much more serious and harmful.

fat is your friend

this is a good article on why body fat is so essential:

http://health.yahoo.com/nutrition-overview/a-matter-of-fat/womens-health--26287.html

i think it's best to think of your body in terms like these, rather than by looks. i mean, really... we're all going to get wrinkly and die. can looks matter THAT much? no. your health is precious, and your body does some pretty miraculous things that ought to be appreciated.

cherokee story

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride and superiority. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one I feed."

--

this dichotomy applies so well to someone with an eating disorder, especially in recovery. you may feel like dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, with two voices in your head always in conflict. but like the cherokee said, the one that wins is the one you feed- and in our case, this is meant in a literal sense- but it also means the side you choose, the side you support, nurture, and believe... that's the one that is going to win. and there WILL be a winner in the end. that fight does not last forever or for very long; either you keep moving forward in recovery, or you submit to the ED voice and you go backward. it is totally up to you.

you have all the power you need right now to recover- it just consists of listening to that healthier voice, whether that is your own or someone else's, and telling those ED voices and urges to STFU until they do for good.

your body is a machine

part of loving your body is acknowledging its power and beauty. i could dedicate this entire blog to that topic.

a fascination of mine is the fight-or-flight response.

if any of you have ever been really anxious or had a panic attack, then you've experienced fight-or-flight. this is a physiological response to a perceived danger that allows you to fight or flee at your maximum ability. this is the phenomenon that results in mothers lifting up automobiles to save their children. it may save your life the next time you are in a dangerous situation, by honing your natural athletic skills so you can get out of that scrape alive. in every case, with no exception, your body will pull out all the stops to keep you alive.

it is truly remarkable. quite annoying to happen when you're giving an oral presentation and there isn't really danger, but be thankful this response is there for when you really need it.

this is what our bodies do to protect us when we're in danger:

- our senses sharpen. pupils dilate (open out) so we can see more clearly, even in darkness. our hairs stand on end, making us more sensitive to our environment (and also making us appear larger, hopefully intimidating our opponent). we are more keen and sensitive to sign, sound, and touch.
- the cardiovascular system leaps into action, with the heart pump rate going from one up to five gallons per minute and our arteries constricting to maximize pressure around the system whilst the veins open out to ease return of blood to the heart.
- the respiratory system joins in as the lungs, throat and nostrils open up and breathing speeds up to get more air in the system so the increased blood flow can be re-oxygenated. the blood carries oxygen to the muscles, allowing them to work harder. deeper breathing also helps us to scream more loudly!
- fat from fatty cells and glucose from the liver are metabolized to create instant energy.
- blood vessels to the kidney and digestive system are constricted, effectively shutting down systems that are not essential. a part of this effect is reduction of saliva in the mouth. the bowels and bladder may also open out to reduce the need for other internal actions (this might also dissuade our attackers!) blood flow is directed into our muscles, arms and legs to provide for extra energy for running and fighting.
- blood vessels to the skin are constricted, reducing any potential blood loss in case you are injured. this is why you may feel numbness in your limbs. sweat glands also open, providing an external cooling liquid to our over-worked system. (this makes the skin look pale and clammy).
- endorphins, which are the body's natural pain killers, are released (when you are fighting, you do not want be bothered with pain- that can be put off until later.)
- the natural judgment system is also turned down and more primitive responses take over. this is a time for action rather than deep thought. we tend to perceive anything in our environment to be a source of threat. we are in our survival mode.

source 1
source 2

no matter who you are, your body is a bad ass machine, one that practically turns you into super(wo)man when the situation calls for it. i think this is one of many, many cool aspects of our bodies: if you're in trouble, your body's spidey sense will ramp up your physical prowess and enable you to run like an olympian or fight like bruce lee. fucking bad ass.

looks

some things are really awesome that we don't celebrate properly.

like getting old.

some women hate their bodies for getting old on them. how dare they! they run out to get botox and plastic surgery and liposuction and all this other scary shit. they hate their wrinkles and their sagging breasts and their weight gain. i know that the amount of self-hatred out there is pretty high, but i don't think i've seen it worse than i have, generally, in women who are aging.

instead of focusing on how our bodies look, i think we should focus on how much we have survived. old people are the most kick ass people out there because they've made it through all the crap life has thrown at them. i can't even imagine everything that an old person has gone through: divorce, death, tragedy, illness, love, childbirth, raising kids, getting an education, building a career, excelling in hobbies, being a good friend, being a caring spouse... the list is endless. they are survivors. but instead of celebrating these achievements, many people beat up on their bodies: the very things that carried them through life and allowed them to experience the joys in that life.

your body is amazing. because of your body, you can dance. you can sit where you are right now and type on a keyboard. you can drive, you can have sex, you can climb mountains, you can give birth if you're a woman, you can save a drowning person, you can write stories, you can do yoga... i think the problem in our culture is that we view the human body in terms of aesthetics, and not as instrumental tools. it doesn't fucking matter what your body looks like, it's what it can does. what you look like is just a product of your genes, of bone size, skeletal frame, skin pigmentation, muscle and fat deposits... it's really just dna. you didn't choose to be born and you didn't choose what you look like. in reality, these are very inconsequential things. we have little power over them, and our looks are just our outward presentation to the world. what matters is how you feel.

you know how when you love someone, you don't care what they look like? you probably don't even notice. this sounds strange, but the same phenomenon happens when you love yourself.

this reminds me of something my therapist told me:

"imagine that your loved ones are at your funeral. there's a grave that says, 'she cured cancer.' another grave says, 'he cured aids.' they come to your grave. it says, 'she was thin.' is this what you want to be remembered for?"

bottom line: you decide how much you want to care about your appearance. but keep in mind that it will never matter nearly as much to anyone or anything else. and i don't know about you, but i'd rather spend my life concentrating on more interesting and important matters than my freaking body fat percentage. talk about boring.

fat talk

it's hard to go against the grain and not participate in fat talk, especially when it seems that everyone is doing it.

this is a situation where speaking up really comes in handy.

try these come-backs:

"why do you hate your body?"
"don't you have anything better to discuss than how fat you think you are?"
"it's amazing how brainwashed people are by the media. yes?"
"how is this conversation productive?"
"i used to have an eating disorder and fat talk is triggering, so i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't disparage your body in front of me."
"i think we all live better lives by being thankful for what our bodies give us, don't you?"

if you're uncomfortable with confrontation, a simple, "hey... fat talk bothers me, so can we change the subject?" should do it.

if these conversational methods fail, that's where email, IM, PMs, and voicemail come in! tell them when you're not face-to-face. so much less pressure.

it is important that you tell people what you need so you can defend those needs. if protecting yourself against fat/diet/food/weight talk is what you need to be healthy, then you should speak up. we do necessary things for our health every day; we put on band-aids, we take showers, we brush our teeth, we take antibiotics when we are sick, etc. speaking up against fat talk is no different; you're maintaining your health and fighting a real sickness, whether that is body dysmorphic disorder, depression, an eating disorder, negative emotions, what have you. these are things that give you a terrible quality of life and are horrible for your health, so advocating for yourself on this issue is a no-brainer. and hell, in the process, you can inspire your friends to really examine the way they treat themselves and maybe think about making their own changes. positivity is contagious.

judgment has no place with food and eating habits

people love to judge food and how they eat it.

i was eating out with my father last night. apparently, he'd committed some great sin the day before, because he'd been "bad" and eaten "bad" foods, which were pizza and a hamburger. he wanted to be "good" at dinner and eat something "good." he restrained himself from eating the bread. he flip flopped on whether to order something yummy he wanted, or to go ahead and eat some boring fish he eats all the time at home. this was compounded by the fact he had not worked out that day- another grave sin. excuse me while i call the fbi. i witnessed this war going on in his head and felt sorry for him. something had happened to him that prevented him from allowing himself to enjoy food and leisure.

he caved. maybe it was my influence, i don't know. i'm just glad for it. he ate the rest of the italian bread. he ordered lamb versus salmon. i was happy for him.

a lot of people act this way. foods are labeled good and bad, and people are good or bad for eating them. when you step back and examine this concept, how does it make sense? last i heard, no one went to jail for eating pizza. our food does not have moral character, yet we easily subscribe some to it. i think this is going too far. should i put my pizza in the corner for being "bad"? is my hamburger going to lose its allowance for being "bad"? do you see how stupid it is to judge our food choices?

it is all tied in with weight, because some foods are associated with weight gain, and thus are associated with greed and fatness. this, too, is insensible. nobody is going to gain weight if they eat pizzas and hamburgers. sure, they might gain some if they are eating these foods three times a day for three weeks, but if you're not, then you're pretty safe from waking up to miraculously find extra pounds attached to your frame.

our bodies are more trustworthy than we think. we all have a setpoint range that our body settles at comfortably. trust your body; it will stay in this range. all you have to do is not go overboard- and this is what people fail to do. they starve and they binge. the reasons are numerous. the first one that comes to mind is that they have an eating disorder.

if you have an eating disorder, you are not bad. you will never be greedy or piggish. have compassion for yourself that you are battling the most dangerous psychiatric disease, which your culture is basically standing back and applauding you for. have compassion for yourself that you have lost touch with how to perform an act you did so well when you were a child- feed yourself. it's the saddest thing that so many people don't think they should be nourished. food is the basic necessity to life. to believe that you don't deserve to be fed speaks to the lowest self-worth imaginable. to be so afraid of feeling that you cover up your emotions with food is cheating yourself.

judging yourself for hating yourself just adds insult to injury, and it will make this cycle snowball and get worse. can you imagine depriving someone of food, of oxygen, of water? that would be torture. so why do you do it to yourself? what could you possibly have done to deserve this?

nothing.

food is not bad. eating is not bad. you are not bad. reject this mind frame. when you see it encouraged on diet pill commercials, laugh at it. those stupid advertisers can't fool you- they want you to feel like you're a bad person for eating? really? are you serious? this is like being in a relationship with an abusive fucker- someone is putting you down, depleting your self-esteem, and even trying to deprive you of the basic necessity of life, which will ultimately kill you. if that's not abuse, i don't know what is. and you don't have to take that shit. the background for why our culture is so fucked up and why it likes to suppress women is pretty complicated. but you DON'T have to lie back and take it. you're a human being who has critical thinking skills and who can make up his or her own mind and live the way you want to live.

the audacity of our weight loss culture and the way it beats up on people is pretty horrible. you're being told: hate yourself, hate your body, hate the fact that you're not good enough. uhh, says who? people who make money off your low self-esteem, that's who. you have the power to reject these messages. you have the ability to enjoy food, and to like your body, and to be at peace with yourself.

you have more intelligence, more worth, and more beauty than you dare to give yourself credit for. do not allow anyone to make you believe that this is not true.

this is your body. this is your life. you only get one shot. stop wasting your time acting like food is the enemy and that weight gain is a mortal threat. it's just not true. food is here to be enjoyed and to sustain your life. appreciate it and enjoy it. your body is not conspiring against you and you won't gain weight if you don't try to control your eating habits 24/7; this is a lie. plus if you DID gain weight, who cares? does your life change dramatically, do aliens come down to earth if you have increased the amount of body fat you have? no. am i going to stop being your friend and call the cops on you for gaining weight, since fat is so "bad"? no. fat, like food, is necessary to life. it's okay to have fat. you need it to LIVE. embrace it!

i regularly eat out, i don't count calories, and i eat and drink whatever the hell i want. i maintain my weight. shocking, right? not really. people have done it for thousands of years. food is your friend and your body is your temple. please treat both with kindness and respect, because you deserve endless amounts of both.

off one's feed

i struggled with creating a name for this blog.

on dictionary.com, i looked up various words: power; feed; revive; live. all the word combinations were taken. then, smack in the middle of a page, there was a phrase i've never heard of before.

off one's feed, Slang.

a. reluctant to eat; without appetite.
b. dejected; sad.
c. not well; ill.

this perfectly describes the audience i'm looking for.

i created this blog for a project that i am doing. in my "communication and power" class, we've been asked to do something that empowers ourselves and/or others. i thought about this long and hard. i have a lot to say, and narrowing my focus seemed impossible. but after talking to a few friends, i realized it just came down to the simple concepts of self-acceptance and self-love. i didn't have to concentrate on eating disorders specifically, which i have vast experience with. as someone who is recovered, i'm tired of the mucky details of those diseases. dwelling over them doesn't help.

what will help is to share what i have learned from recovery- that is, to love myself. it is very simple, but so very hard. easier said than done. i am hoping that through sharing my story, my thoughts, my ideas, and those of other people i look up to, i can inspire people to take that step toward realizing defeat- that is, admitting that their self-destruction isn't doing the trick, and they deserve so much more, and they really can defeat the monsters in their head. i have so much hope that other people can do this as i have done. i was off my feed for a long time.

so i hope you will enjoy this blog. i plan on writing in it a lot. i may re-paste entries from other places that i have written. i may get pissed and bitchy and sad. i won't hold back because no one should. i think people have been silenced for too long. i have met so many beautiful people who cannot reach their true potential, for they are bogged down by low self-esteem, self-loathing, insecurity, fear, and other nasty things. i hate that they are repressed. i am still repressed in some ways, and i hope that this blog will help me come out of my shell even more. we deserve to speak up, say what we mean, and have the conviction to truly love ourselves- and i mean truly. not in a way that appeases others or repeats someone else's philosophy. i mean to really feel it in your bones that you deserve to enjoy life and to thrive on everything it gives you- food, love, expression, your body, everything.

that's where i'm coming from. i hope to meet new people and hear your stories and make connections. don't be shy- this is a place for you to let loose and say whatever the hell you want. i wouldn't have it any other way.