how do i eat?! part ii

even though intuitive eating was praised up and down by my treatment team, i still didn't understand how it worked. i didn't trust my body and i didn't trust myself. i didn't understand how i could know what to eat to stay nourished and maintain my weight.

here's the deal: everyone has a setpoint range, which is a weight range that their body likes to settle in. this range is probably about five pounds, and it's probably at a normal bmi. there are a few people who are slightly underweight (supermodels don't naturally look like that- don't kid yourself) and some people who may settle in an overweight bmi.

this is okay because bmi isn't perfect. bmi was created by a 19th century statistician and mathematician by the name of adolphe quetelet. he was not a doctor. the index doesn't take into account things like setpoint, body frame, or muscle mass. unless you are at a weight that is too underweight or overweight for your health, you can trust that your body will decide which weight range is best for you. every person is an individual and can't be summed up by an index created by some random belgian.

but then there's the whole eating thing. how does it work that you can stay within a setpoint range if you're just eating whatever you want? don't you have to count calories? what if you eat more than you burn? how do you maintain?

it's easy. your body takes care of this for you, believe it or not.

your body doesn't want to lose or gain weight. it wants balance. and so if you're within your setpoint range, your body has no reason to go out of it as long as you treat it well. if you eat more calories than you need, your body will say, "hey, there's a surplus here. let's metabolize faster so we can knock off those calories." your body will, thus, increase its metabolism naturally. this is why you can feel really hot after you've eaten a heavy meal or have binged.

the opposite happens when you undereat. again, your body knows that your intake is a little off, and so it helps balance things out by slightly lowering its metabolism so you won't lose weight. if you are restricting, your metabolism can lower to such a degree that your BMR is around 500- that's how badly your body doesn't want to lose weight. this is an invaluable protective mechanism because your life would be prolonged if there was a famine or you were in a situation where there was no food. your body would work VERY hard to keep you alive. basically, when you're gaining or maintaining while engaged in eating disorder behaviors, your body is saying, "this sucks but i am not giving into this shit. i am not starving to death." bad ass.

this is why diets are so flawed. if you eat 1,200 calories day after day, your metabolism may slow to the degree that that becomes enough to maintain. one of many reasons diets are stupid and don't work- not only are you not nourishing yourself fully, you're just gonna get the smackdown from your metabolism anyway. you're fighting nature. and know what happens when you increase your calories? you inevitably will because you will be as hungry as a dinosaur. well, you're going to go straight back to your setpoint. and there, you can continue to eat what you want and you'll maintain.

some people claim that diets can raise your setpoint. now this is true, but it's temporary. like i mentioned earlier, many people in recovery gain to their setpoint plus 10%, and then settle back down to their setpoint within about 14 months or less. if they don't, they need to consider why their weight is higher now. we tend to weigh more as we age. for a while, i kept thinking that my setpoint was my underweight bmi from my teenage years- but i'm in my 20s! you're not supposed to weigh what you weighed as a teenager when you're an adult. don't give much thought to this though- it doesn't call for it. a healthy setpoint is nothing to cry or feel bad about. it's a good thing!

nourishing yourself becomes second nature. i had to learn how to obey my cravings during refeeding because i knew that my body was telling me what it needed. this is the same even if you are healthy. you will crave salad and cookies and milk- not to the extent that the cravings really bother you, but that you choose both good and fun foods intuitively and enjoy them. it's not really something you have to think about too much. i notice if i haven't had vegetables in a few days and try to have some, but that's about all the work i do with self-regulation. i would feel like shit if i ate candy bars all day, just as i would if i only ate fruit. that said, i do eat several candy bars a week. recently i ate waffles and syrup for dinner. i like kids' cereals like trix. i also eat fish and (begrudgingly) vegetables. it all balances out in the end. i can't fucking gain weight or lose weight, it's amazing.

i think learning about setpoint, metabolism, and nutrition is very important in recovery, because eating disorders cloud us with thoughts that are so irrational and untrue.

"god, i hate my body. i can't stop gaining weight."
you are ALIVE because of this survival mechanism! you will stop gaining weight if you EAT.
"but i'm worried i will keep gaining and gaining in recovery."
really? who does that? who gains weight uncontrollably? maybe people on certain medications or people who engage in binging. if you are eating healthily and you are in your setpoint range, you'll stay right there.
"my metabolism will be screwed up forever."
no. my dietitian talked to me about this. in his experience, everyone's metabolisms go back to normal. your body likes being healthy; work with it.
"i can't deal with the weight gain."
the more you feed that starved brain of yours, and the more you work on the issues behind your eating disorder, the less you will care about your weight. you can take weight gain at your pace, but honestly, it helps just to do it and get it out of the way. you are at a bad disadvantage if you are malnourished, and your ED will keep beating the crap out of you. becoming nourished isn't just gaining weight to appease people about your appearance, it's about repairing your body physically and getting your brain working again. we don't simply eat to gain, lose, or keep fat; there are organs, cells, muscles, and nerves that need to be preserved... most importantly, your BRAIN! how do you expect to think clearly if you're starving? does your car run on no gas? how do you expect to really concentrate in therapy when you're so hungry you'd kill someone for a twinkie bar? think about it.

i'm at a healthy weight and proud of it. i think health is hot. less than a year ago, i cried hysterically at the prospect of no longer being emaciated. wherever you are in your eating disorder, believe me: recovery is possible. do the work and the rewards will come.