you are your own hero

a new element has been added to my project theme "eating disorder recovery" that i wasn't expecting.

my interest in this project has come full circle. in the beginning, i was excited about the thought of sharing all this knowledge i had about recovery and building self-esteem and accepting yourself and ending body-hatred. i was on fire with ideas. then, i don't know when, my enthusiasm withered. i just didn't find eating disorders so interesting anymore. i was so tired of thinking and hearing about them.

a couple of months passed and my interest picked up. i know it is because i have attained a safe distance from my own eating disorder past, and i am facing the reality of becoming a social worker very shortly. i've needed to ponder what area i will go in. clinical? medical? macro?

i'm not sure. although i am a compassionate person, eating disorders still annoy me. whenever i am in the mall and am walking by a clothing store, i want to throw the fucking mannequins out the window. who knows if i could stand to sit in a room with someone moaning about how fat they are.

while reflecting on this, i realize i have done things that have been made possible as a direct result of recovery. when you're sick, you can't stand up on your own two feet. you don't talk much; you use your body to speak for you. you are repressed and withdrawn. you are miserable.

i know what that's like, and the reality of my life today is so different. everything that's good right now is a manifestation of my recovery and my renewal as a human being.

and this is what my recovery has unfolded:

i got into grad school at TULANE, the harvard of the south, and am moving in four months! i am not scared to leave home, because i know in my heart that i will keep myself safe and will do well on my own.

i have a job as a census enumerator, and will make up to $3,000 to support moving to my new life in the south. i wouldn't be able to work if my mind and body weren't healthy.

i'm an asshole to people on the road sometimes when they're assholes to me. i used to think i didn't even deserve to take up space. if someone waited for me to pass, i wanted to apologize for my very existence. but today i see my self-worth and my strength. my horn is used whenever the situation calls for it, and i've given the finger once or twice when it's deserved. ;)

i speak up in my classes. i'm not afraid. i don't care what people think, and i deserve to be heard.

i eat whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want. dinner tonight was a peanut butter and fluff sandwich, followed by a dunkin donuts caramel swirl latte. was it delicious? hell yes.

i am taking control of my gerd, which has held me back for three years. i may even have surgery which could cure me forever. a few weeks ago, i had tubes put down my nose to get a diagnosis. these were tests i was terrified of and had avoided for years. i've put my foot down; i refuse to live in fear, and i deserve treatment.

i have so much pride and self-confidence these days. i am not ruled by the scale, by calories, or by fear. i feel like i've been let out of prison. i'm staying out for good.

most importantly: i've moved out of my mom's house, the breeding ground for my eating disorder.

you really can't underestimate your own power when you decide to be your friend, and not your enemy. your actions will carry you wherever you wish to go. and if you want to go down the path of self-love, you will become your own hero. you won't need an eating disorder. you won't need anyone else. having yourself is more than enough.