learning to dance 3

discovering biology was great, but it was the only redeeming factor about being back home. i missed new orleans and my friends terribly, and wanted to go back, only this time to study science.

moving back was a smooth transition. i applied to a private, rich college for the hell of it, and they gave me a 28k grant. i secured an apartment ahead of time. i managed to have the money to move back. i felt fine about leaving my family again - while home, i was privileged to experience my mom's astounding recovery, and to offer her all my support and love. she was transformed, and i knew she'd be okay if i left again, which i did last may. i even had surgery in july to cure my acid reflux, which my ED had worsened, and recovered quickly before my move. it all worked out so perfectly.

my recovery was put to the biggest test yet the first weekend i was back. i was sexually assaulted.

i don't know what else to say about that. i think the worst consequence to go through was opening my eyes to how sexist, victim blaming, and women hating our world is. i always knew we lived in a rape culture, but now i knew and felt it firsthand. i even lost a friend over cruel things that were said to me. i lost my trust toward men. for about a week, i couldn't leave my apartment. i'm still paranoid now, always assuming the worst of men, although i try not to be that way. i am very careful now. it has changed my life irrevocably.

very surprisingly, i did not relapse, or even come close. i had some SI urges, but that was about it. i really had no desire to rely on my ED. my relapse last year had confirmed to me that there was no point in being EDed because it did absolutely nothing to improve my life. i pursued therapy, and my therapist was my anchor who kept me going.

i won't go so far as to say i am thankful for this experience because i learned from it - no, thanks - but i DID learn. it did change me. the kicker is that i did everything in my power to let it change me for the good. i feel that this mindset is very important in any sort of recovery. you can let your past drag you down, and become so despondent over all you've lost that you don't feel motivated to do something different, or you can accept that the challenges in your life have been a hard, bitter pill to swallow, but that they are over and you are stronger for them.

this is the hardest part of my update to write out, because it's all so fresh to me. in a nutshell, life got worse and worse in new orleans. i caught a bacterial infection, lost my job, was very disappointed in my friendships, had to deal with the assault all by myself, and the final straw was starting school and not liking my classes. physics drove me insane, ancient history was one of the worst classes i've ever taken, and chemistry didn't sweep me off my feet like biology did. last october, i started a repeat of what happened in graduate school - depression, skipping classes... i emailed my mother in a moment of desperation. i said i felt i shouldn't be in school anymore because i was wasting so much money, but didn't know what i should do, and i'd feel like a failure if i came home again.

she said something i'll never forget: "unless you're going to jail for 20 years for some horrible offense, everything is fixable. you can't screw up too much with school or work for it not to be fixable. especially when you're a younger person."

my therapist had a similar sentiment when i talked to her. "i believe that no choice is irreversible," she said, "except children and death." we had a good laugh over that.

my mother repeated the question she had asked me last year, "if you could do anything, what would it be?"

the answer was still animals. the animal careers classes i took in the spring taught me that a lot of animal jobs paid very little, and even though i don't need much money, that steered me away. however, if this year has taught me anything, it's that i can't put up with anything for too long if it makes me unhappy, and that includes everything from my eating disorder to physics. i feel so strongly that i owe it to myself to do what i love, and for that reason i have very little patience for things in my life that i dislike. i am so defensive of my desire to build a great life - have a wonderful career, live in a place i love, avoid relapse - that i would move the moon and stars to ensure my happiness and health. i'd leave new orleans TWICE because it made me unhappy. i have driven cross country four different times and spent thousands of dollars on these decisions, and i regret none of it. i have been making choices that may seem risky and a waste of money, and it's all in the spirit of following my heart. i don't care about anything else because i refuse to waste any more of my life than i already have.

my journey of self discovery would probably not be so chaotic and expensive if i'd never had an ED and had a proper foundation laid down in knowing myself. this is not the case, and i fumble around a lot like someone relearning to walk after they've been injured. do i stand around and cry about it? i did for a while... and that got tiring. you have no other choice in recovery but to throw yourself at the world and see what happens. it's painful to grow into yourself - like going through puberty again - and it's awkward as fuck. but the sooner you get started, the sooner the fun begins (and believe me, most of this is a blast.) there's no reason why, ED related or not, you can't start today. if not now, when?

so, time to get to work.

i came home a few weeks ago. i've been living like a vagabond. my parents both offered to have me live with them. my mom spoke of all the animal internships and jobs in her area. i dove into this and held nothing back, applying to every animal-related job i could find. i was staying with my dad just on a visit, and within a few days i had interviews for kennel tech and zookeeper positions. i didn't get the kennel tech job, i did get the zookeeper one. i tried it out on saturday and it was an awful experience - nothing like i was told it would be - so i'm writing that off and i'm truckin' along.

i had an interview at petco today, and have another one at petsmart on thursday.

i have started volunteering at an animal shelter 5 minutes away, and i absolutely love it. the people there are all kind and really love animals, like i do.

i am thinking about applying to vet tech school.

i don't remember being happier than i am at this moment. i would have never envisioned my life like this. i'm living with my dad, i'm actually looking forward to working in a store making minimum wage, i'm not in new orleans, i actually LOVE being back home because all that time away has made me appreciate it so much, i have practically no money... but i do have the limitless support of my family members, and this amazing opportunity to start a new career without having to worry about pressures like rent and grad school. my life has been a grand adventure since starting recovery, and it doesn't seem to be letting off anytime soon - i'm just sitting back and enjoying the ride.

my recovery has been surprising to me, and i want to continue blogging about it here. it's a journey of twist and turns and it can be unpredictable and frustrating. i am no longer the "recovered" person that i was in 2009 to early 2010, fresh out of anorexia and high on life - i am not immune to this disorder - yet in some ways my recovery is stronger than ever because it has been put to the test so many times. you have to adapt recovery to your life, and because your life is constantly changing, this is not easy. my recent experiences have inspired me to explore this challenge on my blog.

thanks for reading.